What is a time of joy for many women was my darkest hour.
I love coconuts and coconut-flavored things. My entire goal last summer was to smell like a coconut.
Is the coconut a wonderful, delicious food delivered to us by god himself? Yes. Can coconut oil cure your genital herpes? Probably not.
I hate hype. I never saw Avatar because of all the hype around "Avatar." Telling me something is “amazing” ensures I will never partake in that thing. All of the hype around an oil that comes from a drupe makes me want to chuck that drupe in a scalding vat of some other oil (or lard).
I’m not anti-coconut oil, kittens. If you like how it feels on your skin, tastes in your cuisine, and conditions your hair, fantastic. I’m really happy for you. BUT. I’m not replacing butter with it, because fuck you (not you, reading this, the hypothetical “you” who just told me to give up butter).
Coconut oil certainly seems to be a healthy oil (though this is still being debated in the medical community) with no cholesterol, and that’s great, but I’m not going to replace every other oil with it. I have a bad feeling about the comments section on this one, so let me reiterate once again: If you love using coconut oil, use coconut oil. Just quit telling ME to use it.
Now that you know that I’m not a one-lady crusade against coconut oil, I am going to list the things about coconut oil that are currently annoying the bejesus out of me.
1. Freakin’ Pinterest
Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan. Freakin’ Pinterest. We’ve talked about it before, but Pinterest is aggravating because you can just make wild claims and attach them to a picture, and then everyone believes it because a picture is worth a thousand facts, or whatever.
About every five minutes, a new pin boasting the seven million uses of virgin coconut oil gets posted, but it’s never actually seven million different uses. It’s about seven different uses with a million different examples for each use.
In this post of 50 different uses, there are actually six, and most of them are just using it as moisturizer/carrier oil, which coconut oil excels at, but it is not a panacea. The rabid claims that coconut oil is the answer to all that ails you simply makes my snarky inner-monologue scream “SNAKE OIL!”
2. ALL OF THE HEALTH CLAIMS
This is related to the above gripe; the whole snake oil/panacea situation. Everyone who has ever insisted herpes can be cured with coconut oil should be smote with herpes. Maybe it can be done, but viruses are hard (impossible?) to kill, so I doubt I would trust a cooking oil to handle my genital outbreaks. I don’t blindly trust all medical doctors as a whole, but I would probably side with them on the treatment of herpes.
I do think you can kill lice with coconut oil, though, because it would suffocate them. So, cool.
And then there are the weight loss claims. FIRSTLY: I am tired of reading about weight loss. With so many other things to talk about (movies, books, music, blow job technique, cupcakes vs. macorons, Martha Stewart’s dating profile) why do we spend so much time discussing the lessening of our mass?
I quit Weight Watchers because I couldn’t take another meeting where 20 middle-aged women told one middle-aged woman she should eat an apple or a Weight Watchers Chernobyl bar instead of a cupcake. It was obvious that cupcakes brought this woman joy and yet no one in that meeting could deal with her eating a cupcake several times a week. Horror of horrors.
“They” say that ingesting coconut oil can help you lose weight, but there is a ton of controversy around this claim. For one thing, though it is cholesterol free, it is still a saturated (meaning there are only single and no double or triple bonds between the carbon atoms) fat, which are not that great for you and your heart.
I eat a lot of saturated fats, such as ice cream and fancy cheeses, so I don’t care a whole lot either way. But don’t extol unto me the slimming virtues of coconut oil when it is a FAT that clocks in at 120 calories per tablespoon (butter contains 102).
I’ve also heard that it can help with your metabolism, and maybe it does, but that’s not my point. There seems to be a lot of conflicting “science” on the issue, and as long as there is an argument going on, don’t try to shove one side or the other down my throat, especially if your side is anti-butter.
Another thing that happened which is somewhat related: someone recently tried to convince me that all I needed to do to ensure a pleasant delivery of a child (I’m lightyears from pregnant) was massage my birthing canal with coconut oil. To this I say “Leave me alone, I am getting an epidural.”
Just to prove to you that I don’t totally hate the stuff, here is a list of things in which I really appreciate the existence of coconut oil.
1. Baked Goods/Fried Foods
I already told you I love coconut. So the idea/practice of baking the essence of the coconut into already delicious brownies is a fucking revelation to me. Some people have told me they can’t taste the coconut when it’s incorporated into a recipe, but I can, and I love it so hard. Next time I make my slutty brownies, I’m going to use it, which will elevate them from “slutty” to “home-wrecker.”
Coconut oil is also excellent for frying, due to its high smoke point. Try it the next time you fry a white fish or coconut shrimp (RIGHT?).
2. Foot Moisturizer
Like the super sexy Tynan before me, I do not like feeling supple. I don’t like feeling greasy. I don’t really like lotion. In spite of not really liking or using lotion, I somehow have at least seven bottles of moisturizing products at any given time, which never make their way to my body.
EXCEPT MY FEET. My feet are a nightmare. They have been for as long as I could remember. The last time my dad was visited, he asked me if I had leprosy, which was rude. But coconut oil, if I remember to apply it on a regular basis, actually takes my feet from “lizard king” to “someone who wears dark color socks and never uses the ped egg she impulse bought.”
I’ve never been very picky about what I shave my legs with. Bar soap, Sean’s shaving cream, saliva, whatever. I’ll use it. But my swimsuit area is a different situation. That particular portion of my person is super sensitive. The ONE TIME I decided to get a brazillian because I was trying to be super sexy for my out-of-town boyfriend (now husband) I got a million pustules that didn’t heal until all the hair grew back.
I’m sorry you had to read that sentence, but I wanted to convey to you how sensitive that area is. Coconut butter makes shaving that situation smooth as silk. Added bonus: My snatch smells downright tropical.
So. There you have it, a list of things in which the oil of the coconut is my oil of choice. I also may try using it as lube. I wanted to try it before this post, but Sean was all “My mom reads your posts” so that didn’t happen.
Oh, and while we’re on the subject of coconuts, watch this:
Don’t tweet Claire about coconut oil! Tweet her about the cupcakes vs. macarons debate! @clairelizzie