What is a time of joy for many women was my darkest hour.
When I was in my 20s I dated a guy who was conservative in every way. Well, every way but one. He wore khakis and blue button down shirts. He worked in finance. He even voted Republican. But he also was apparently into golden showers.
I only know this because about six months into our relationship, he asked if I would pee on him. I was caught off guard, unaware of how that even worked logistically, but not willing to shut him down completely. After all, I imagine it must take some courage to ask your girlfriend of six months to pee on you when previous to that moment, the sex had been perfectly fine, but pretty traditional.
I quickly went through what peeing on someone during sex would entail. Rubber sheets? Lots of towels? A very full bladder? And that’s when I came up with a compromise. I wasn’t willing to risk ruining my mattress, but I was willing to placate his request.
“Sure, I’ll pee on you,” I told him. “But only on your big toe. And in the shower.”
Needless to say, I don’t think that’s quite what he had in mind. And to this day I’ve never given a golden shower. Except, you know, to myself.
But who hasn’t, right?
I’m sorry, but if you tell me you’ve never gotten in the shower, realized you had to pee, and just let it all out, I’m going to have a very hard time believing you. Peeing in the shower is one of the best feelings in the world. Right up there with peeing in the woods.
The hot water washes across your body and all of a sudden you just have to release your urine onto the tile and down the drain. It just flows out of you in a happy little stream down the drain. Hopefully it’s not too yellow because if that’s the case, then you haven’t been drinking enough water, young lady.
Apparently though, at least according to my informal poll at the ski lodge last Saturday, there are people amongst you who aren’t peeing in the shower! Some of then even call themselves my friends.
Listen, I know I have all of these ridiculous rules, like you must always wait for the host to take a bite before you’re allowed to start eating and the man should always go first in a revolving door. And I know that because of these rules you likely think I should therefore also be the type of girl who’s anti peeing in the shower. But I’m here to tell you, I’m not all priss and prude. And when it comes to urinating in the shower, I say: go for it.
Of course, I mean, I still have rules about it. Obvi.
- One must only urinate in his or her own shower.
- One should wait until the water is flowing.
- One should only urinate in her shower when there are absolutely no drainage problems. If your shower collects standing water, do your very best to refrain from peeing into it. I don’t know why since urine is technically very sterile, but it just feels gross. (And yes, apparently that is where I draw the line.)
- Do not urinate in the bath.
- One must never urinate in the shower at the gym.
- One must never urinate in the shower when she is a houseguest.
- One should try very hard not to urinate in a shower she shares with roommates.
- One must never urinate in the shower when she’s bathing with another person. Unless, of course, it’s by request. In the case of the latter, pee away freely! And then email me about it because seriously, who is into that and why? Not judging, just don’t get it. Kind of like the guy who asked me to spit in his mouth during sex. Which I tried to do, but turns out, I’m not a very good spitter. No shock there, I’m sure. Luckily, I was able to fulfill his request to punch him the face with lots of joyful vigor. (He was kind of a dick.)
- Even though I’ve totally done it before because I’m gross, one should probably not pee in hotel showers.
- Lastly, pee as often as you want, but don’t ever poop in the shower. I know it sounds obvious, but I just want to be sure we’ve covered all bases here.
(Note: I just read these rules aloud to my Tahoe housemate who was elated to inform me that while he thinks my list is exhaustive and complete, he does all of the above. AND HE PEES IN SWIMMING POOLS. Ugh, boys.)
Mostly, I just hope after reading this that next time you step into the shower and have the urge to pee, you’ll just let it go and enjoy the freedom that is peeing somewhere other than a toilet. The best part? Not only are you saving water, if you pee directly onto your feet, you’re also preventing athlete’s foot.
Spill it: Do you pee in the shower or are you a toilet-only kind of person?
Oh, and follow @daisy on Twitter for more about how disgusting she is.