I Don't See Anything Wrong With A Little Mommyrexia

Your bodies, your choices, bitches!

Jun 15, 2011 at 2:02pm | Leave a comment

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WELL. Guess who is not a baby expert? ME. I've never had a baby, though I have been preggo with 'em, and I certainly DO plan on having them in the future or at least paying for someone to carry one for me if I happen to be incredibly rich, or raising a foster child -- I hardly think I'd be approved to adopt anything, FYI, since I have been repeatedly turned down by the ASPCA to adopt cats. 

(FACT: I was a pillhead who hallucinated mice at the time, and wound up going to to rehab so long that paying a cat sitter would have cost me like $4,000. See, that's sort of why I believe in God: everything happens for a reason.)

But I love kids. I really think they are goofy and terrific and awful and charming, little nightmares that throw wonderful shrieky fits everywhere to entertain passengers on subway cars everywhere, and I totally want to have my own someday. The ONLY reason in the whole world I would not want to bear my own kids is because I am VAIN. VAIN VAIN VAIN. 

And I've seen so many bad stomach lipo jobs in scary "Body After Baby" articles in the tabloids! Yes, "BODIES AFTER BABIES" always sounds just too awful. Straight-up creepy! Like the worst horror movie ever. Mainly just because I imagine DEAD BODIES AND LIVE BABIES EEESSSSH STOP IT CAT.

(Geez, I am so exhausting and hyper. I feel tired halfway through my posts every time.)

But anyway, this article "Mommyrexia Takes Manhattan" (from my personal daily bible, The New York Post!), is all about New York City new moms fighting to stay super-skinny by not eating things like homemade vegan apple walnut puree after their pregnancies. Or, officially, "a breed of new moms who are pressuring themselves to bounce back to fighting weight days after they’ve left the hospital." Yup, "squeezing into maternity Spanx after having a baby isn’t good enough -- these moms want to starve and jog themselves skinny if it kills them."

So I'M immediately I'm all, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?! LET THEM. But more on that in a second.

The Post credits Rachel Zoe and Victoria Beckham for this trend; I, on the other hand, invite the good people of the post to step back to the early '80s and meet one STACEY MARNELL, a young Washington D.C. mother determined to stay bony and beautiful not only after but THROUGHOUT nine entire months of hellish baby-carrying of one ME, soon-to-human CAITLIN. My mom was aggressively skinny throughout all her 20s and def did not put on the pounds when she was preg with me, my brother and my sister, and to this day she weighs only 102 and she's 5'3.

And guess what? I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. (FACT: She didn't breastfeed me either.)

If my mom wanted to be skinny, let her be skinny! If there was a baby inside her when she wanted to be skinny, still, let her be skinny! My sister bitches at my mom to eat, and I wait for my sister to go away and tell my mom that she's good-looking ('cause she is!)! I personally track my weight for fun on a wall-pencil chart behind my bookshelf! Whenever our JANE PRATT, EDITOR IN CHIEF, says she thinks she's getting too skinny and wants to gain some weight, I GUFFAW and tell her she's insane. Just because.

THAT IS JUST WHO I AM.

The women in this article seem BORING TO HANG OUT WITH and TOO SERIOUS -- both HUGE personality flaws in my book, but whatever; let people be how they wanna be. Like stop caring about your weight and pay attention to your (chunky) (joking!) baby! I think skinny pregnant girls look good; I think chubby pregnant women look good. I like everyone! We're all weird and sexy. I think that is my "message."

Everyone is going to hate me for this article, maybe because it is sort of stupid. Mainly my point is that I obviously don't think being unhealthy is COOL, but I also don't think there's anything we can do to stop it when bitches are crazy, and you're only gonna piss your pregnant friend off or whatever if you're telling them to eat all the time. They have doctors; that's what their doctors are for. Incidentally these doctors quoted in the Post article are super-annoying, too, all "[Victoria Beckham] hasn't been looking as vibrant" since her pregnancy." Like, shut UP. Let her LIVE. Don't go dissing her skin tone for your sound bite. Pffft. Wait, and that quote wasn't even FROM a doctor; it was from a dietician. Dumb.

The article goes on and on to villainize women who  choose not to breast feed so that they can make spinning classes and things; I don't even know. Again, SO WHAT?! People are allowed not to breastfeed. People are allowed to leave their babies and go work out five hours a day and sleep 10 hours. People are allowed to do things! I don't know! Are they? Maybe I'm going to be the worst mother ever. Probably. I'm so confused.

What do YOU think? Tell me how to feel.