What is a time of joy for many women was my darkest hour.
Emotional pain levels have been soooo high this weekend. Like, the take-it-to-the-floor crumpled heap kind of emotional pain that even my most trusted advisers, Counselors Ben and Jerry, are unable to ease.
So I did the distasteful things I know to do when some of those old demons threaten to sink me -- got out of the house, ate some fresh food, exercised, talked to some people. It helped a little, but I still had all the makings for a depression sundae, topped with a healthy dollop of self-loathing.
I AM JUST GOING TO KILL MYSELF, I thought, BECAUSE I FEEL HORRIBLE AND WILL ALWAYS FEEL HORRIBLE AND I MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD. ALSO, I AM LITERALLY THE FATTEST HUMAN BEING WHO HAS EVER EXISTED, COUNTING PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO BE AIRLIFTED OUT OF THEIR BEDS IN EMERGENCIES AND EVERYTHING.
And then it dawned on me, at least three days earlier than it usually does, that maybe my brain anguish (branguish?) is really just my body gearing up for the delightful and totally fair process of menstruation. This is progress! It usually doesn't occur to me until I start bleeding that -- hello -- I'm not suicidal! I just have PMS. What a relief.
I mean, I still feel horrible, but at least I know it is a temporary kind of horrible dictated by my hormones and the moon and not "real" feelings. Which is sort of funny, because considering that all feelings are basically temporary, is there really any such thing as "real" feelings? And shouldn't I maybe look at all anger/sadness/guilt this way -- as a temporary kind of horrible I will weather and soon be through?
Anyway, I need to remember that I always feel this way a week before my period, so I don't actually throw myself off the Brooklyn Bridge one day. I think there are apps and such that can do this, but ... I just started checking my voicemail and opening my bills like a year ago. That photo is of an actual beat-up, wrapperless tampon that fell out of my purse by my desk. I am not at menstrual-cycle-tracking levels of organization. YET.
In the meantime, is there an easy way, like super super super easy way with no downloading, to prevent suicide by remembering when my goddamn period is happening? And while we're at it, is this an extreme level of PMS? Is there something I can do/take to make the whole thing less excruciating?