HELP ME: Kick My Not-So-UltraLight Addiction To Stupid UltraLight Cigarettes (Though Don't I Look Vaguely French In This Photo?)

This was supposed to be the Summer of Sexy (can it still be even if I smoke through it?)!

Jun 17, 2011 at 9:02am | Leave a comment

image

This was originally titled "Help Me: Not Kill Myself" but I didn't think that sounded very ... I don't know. SEXY or nice. Not that I'm that nice, but you know. I'm always sexy. Striving. 

Anyway. Yep, above -- that's me! You can always tell by the messy hair. Smoking away in my own apartment even though I bitch about other people doing it. You can't tell, but I'm wearing a mesh basketball jersey with Joe Camel on it. Classy, I know.

So I don't smoke-smoke. I don't! I smoke exactly two cigarettes a day, both Marlboro Ultra Lights (the silver-and-white package: "platinums") -- and usually I smoke them outside. Like if I was an Ebay seller, I'd be all, "This is from a NON-SMOKING home." Even though it would be a little dishonest.

So yeah, I smoke two to five cigarettes every night, and I guess more when I go out. But generally a pack lasts me a little over a week. BTW, my mom was a secret (literally: she grossly smoked Benson & Hedges in her walk-in closet with all her nice clothes!) two-cig-a-day smoker, so I'd like to take a moment to blame her, and for you to silently send psychic blame to my mom in your own heads. Her name is Stacey and she sort of looks like Kelly Ripa. Go.

...Okay, thanks (no thanks to you, Mom).

Anyway, the reason I'm writing about my smoking thing is that I need to be convinced to quit. I've been self-motivated to quit other things in my life -- drugs, narcissists  -- but never my two-a-day habit, which I've had since boarding school when I'd go behind this dump to smoke in the rain and make out with idiot hockey players.

I've never wanted to! I still don't want to. Do I have to? I just don't care about myself in that way for some reason! WHY WHY WHY.

Make me! Can you?

(FACT: I mean, I care about not being bad-looking.)

Okay, let's get to it: who else is a sorta-smoker? And is "sorta-smoker" a completely in-denial way to describe myself? And how did you quit or are you trying to? And did you gain a bunch of weight? Discuss.