Fine, I Give, I'll Stop Mainlining Sugar

Join me as I detox gracefully and gorgeously, like an unruffled swan floating across the lake. (JK, I'm probably gonna throw stuff.)
Publish date:
May 23, 2011
food, diet, sugar

I don't have a lot of wordly pleasures left to engage in -- I don't drink, use drugs, or even have sex with strangers anymore. Pretty much the only mood-altering substance I still put in my body is sugar. Well, and caffeine, but you'll pry my Coke Zero and coffee from my cold, dead hands.

There's some speculation that most alcoholics are hypoglacemic or sugar-sensitive, which I buy, because as soon as most of us quit drinking, we start craving Oreos for breakfast even if, like me, you had no interest in sweets before. To be fair, I really didn't have much interest in anything besides doing shots and drunkenly showing my breasts to people in bars before I quit drinking.

So for the past couple of years, I've been consuming a ton of Entemann's donuts, Crumbs cupcakes and Ben and Jerry's ice cream. The whole pint at once, because honestly? There are people who eat half of it and put it back? Does not compute.

And I was cool with that. But in the past couple of weeks, as the stress of launching this website started to peak, I have been honestly subsisting primarily on sugar. Last Tuesday, I ate 5 frosted sugar cookies and nothing else. And when I got to work on Friday, I felt depressed and anxious and my hands wouldn't stop shaking and the only reason I could think of is that I hadn't had any delicious sugar for breakfast. Sure enough, I downed a Coca Cola and felt better right away.

So basically my stupid mortal body and its weakness for "vitamins" and "nutrients" is forcing me to address the fact that sugar is an addictive substance for me and that furthermore it's making me feel bad. Traditionally, when substances make me feel bad, I like to use them about 20,000 more times and wonder why I still feel so bad, but I thought this time I'd give abstaining a go.

So I went out and bought these books about sugar detoxing -- and believe me, only getting two was a real triumph of the will for this addictive personality. That Sugar Addict's Recovery Plan had like 6 steps and involved eating a potato every day, which as a former Atkins-er, I can't bring myself to believe won't make me fat, so I'm actually just kind of winging it and expecting to feel like crap.

Any tips for how to get through the crash/withdrawal phase? Should I be taking some kind of supplements or something?