What is a time of joy for many women was my darkest hour.
Look at this douche with fruit all over her face. I Googled ‘health and beauty’ and THIS is what appeared. Behold; woman covered in fruit. Let’s call her Healthy Eating Harriet. When things are going downhill (ie me, headfirst, into a M&S Coffee And Walnut cake) I’ll bring her back to set me straight.
So, it’s 2013. I’m packing WAY more chunk than I was this time last year. Which was way more than the year before, and like two stone more than the year before. Bad, bad times.
I feel like crap; my hair’s all gross and brittle – no amount of Redken Heavy Cream will solve it. My skin is dry and lacklustre with unrelenting break-outs and, I’ve started getting sodding cellulite as a little gift from whoever’s in charge of that. No doubt to mark my inevitable sleigh ride to the big THREE O. It’s all too much. I need for something to change. This. Is. The. Year.
I have tried every quick fix diet going, but my reserve can’t withstand the pressure of the weekly deadlines (I’m a beauty journalist at Stylist magazine) when all I want to do mainline chocolate buttons.
Here’s my diet roll call; sacred heart (that much fruit is NOT pleasant, let me tell you), Cambridge, Lighter Life, cabbage soup (don’t even), Atkins, South Beach, Dukan, 6 weeks to OMG, Skinny Bitch, WeightWatchers, Slimming World, Rosemary Conley other diets I’ve made up myself cutting out random food groups at will.
Frankly, I’m exhausted – mentally and physically. The one thing I haven’t tried is eating normally, and after a decade of diets, I have NO idea what normal is anymore.
My problem is that I’m all or nothing, super healthy or face first in a KFC Variety meal. But I need to try and be moderate (not in my vocab, at all) and actually set aside time to food shop, go to the gym and cook – stuff that seems unimportant when you’re busy, exhausted and stressed out. Life seems to zoom past in a blur, and you’re sort of just along for the ride.
I’ve never been one of those people who look after themselves anywhere near as much as they should. I’m always the last thing on my to-do list (see below) and I feel constantly harassed, aimlessly bounding from one place to another, trying to exact a detailed game plan, but becoming overwhelmed by the enormity of the task ahead. Namely losing a lot of weight.
This isn’t one of those annoying health blogs in which someone has all of five superfluous pounds to lose, or is just bloody bloated after too many lentils. To get to the top end of my healthy BMI (I know BMI is up for debate, I’m just using it as an example here) I need to lose FOUR STONE. That’s 52 pounds. That’s the same weight as 312 sausages. (Weirdly enough the one thing I remembered from WeightWatchers is that every pound you lose is six sausages.) I don’t want to spend another year feeling like this…
Frankly, life is too darn short. So here’s how I’m going to do it:
1. I’ll be eating smaller meals and having healthy snacks between meals so I don’t do that 11am/3pm eat whatever is on the ‘free’ table at work, thing. We get GOOD treats.
2. White bread/rice, refined sugar, caffeine and alcohol are all massively limited.
3. Takeaway, of all kinds is banned.
4. The brilliant nutritionist and dietician Hala El-Shafie will be giving me a little advice along the way, which I’ll be passing on to you guys. She’s an expert in emotional eating and has changed people’s lives so I’m very hopeful!
5. I’ll be trying to go to the gym regularly and not wimp out in favour of watching Game Of Thrones Season One for the THIRD time.
6. I will be blogging here, honestly and openly every two weeks, and would love all the support, tips and help I can get. Anyone who wants to join me then comment below!
7. If I don’t do it this is quite a massive scary, public fail. The enormity has just hit me. I hope you’ll keep reading, anyway!
Healthy Eating Harriet keeps looking at me like I need to go pack my spinning gym kit. Here we go…
What do you think of my list? Is it doable? Follow me @itsmeanitab