Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
Time was, you were limited in the embarrassing stuff you could take pictures of by the knowledge that an actual human person would be developing your pictures and seeing what you were up to. That didn't stop my girlfriends and I from doing weird photo shoots on the exercise bike that briefly lived in my living room, but it did keep us from doing weird full-on naked stuff. Even so, there was always the fear that the employee at the Bible Belt Walgreens would refuse to release our shots to us or possibly report us to the police as mini child pornographers.
Now that most people have a private camera on their own phones, a scroll through your average iPhoto account is like scrolling through the darkness and pathos of the human psyche. You'd think in this day and age everyone would be wise enough to tread carefully, but I can't tell you how many times I've shown someone a picture of something inocuous on my iPhone only to have them start right-swiping without permission.
"You must really want to see my boobs," I'll say in these situations. That way, at least I warned you.
But seriously, keep scrolling and you're gonna see my boobs. Especially since I'm feeling pretty depressed and low self esteem-y and body dysmorphic latey (u comin, period?) and can't stand the sight of my dumb damn face. Boobs > face.
I know I'm not the only one with this problem because the other day a woman came up to on the elevator and asked if I wanted to see a picture of her "favorite tattoo" and I was like "Sure," cause I'm from the middle of the country and will suffer bulls#%t and then she accidentally pulled up a photo of her spread-eagle vagina. She was like, "Oops, that was porn!" but I'm pretty sure it was her.
The "favorite tattoo" was angel wings. It's fun to talk to people!
I'm not really embarrassed by my naked boobs, but I am a little bit embarrassed by the picture below. I was doing a makeover shoot for the NY Post that required me to do a "before" shot in workout wear and no bra and I covertly took a shot to see how saggy my boobs looked. Then I got cut out of the story but I got a free pair of tights, so.
Used to be when people died that you found out all the messed-up junk they were into by like, going through their desk, but I'm pretty sure now all the good stuff is in the phone. I polled the xoJane editors on the what they won't want anyone finding on their phones posthumously, and they sent along the following.
MADELINE: I don't know why I decided to take a selfie while licking my boyfriend's knee. Probably just to make myself laugh. And now it's the most embarrassing thing on my phone.
JANE: It's embarrassing to me that the real reason I have over 10,000 pics in my phone is because I'm always struggling to get that perfect tossed-off casual shot of myself
TYNAN: My phone wasn't as explosive as I thought it would be, maybe I'm just desensitized to my own nonsense. I've attached a picture of me at the bar I work at, wearing a suspicious looking pair of bunny ears. It's clearly after bar close because the lights are up, and to say I don't remember this picture being taken is an understatement. It was that, or a picture of when I accidentally shaved a chunk of hair out of my the side of my head, probably on the same night.
OLIVIA: I put on lipstick using my camera and took a million photos of myself by accident.
KATE: Me with a beard idk thanks duck dynasty.
LAURA: Here's an accidental up-the-nose / double-chin shot I managed to somehow take during a friend's wedding recently. Fun!
s.e.: I'm so boring. The only really terrible thing on my phone right now is this proof that Leila is a craven 'nip addict. There go her dreams of public office.
LESLEY: I'm not embarrassed by any of my pictures! I just find it hilarious. We were in a timeshare condo in the White Mountains and this was the weird sitting area in the lobby. It felt very ~welcome to my glamorous home~.
MARCI: I don't know why I took this picture of TJ Maxx.
CLAIRE: There is this fan art that I made of me and Chuck Klosterman. Maybe that is embarrassing?
If you have one iota of respect for what we've built here, you'll leave something ridiculous from your phone in the comments.