Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
Proving that every day's a school day, I learnt SO MUCH from xoJane this week, because you're all far wiser than I am (I just drew a smiley face on the banana I'm about to eat and then chuckled to myself for about five minutes so...yeah).
That's one charismatic banana. Give me a break, I'm sitting on my own today...
Here are just some of the things I learnt this week - all of which have stopped my brain giving up entirely and falling out of my ears:
That lots of people fall down the tube gap
Shudder. Robyn’s piece describing how she fell down the tube gap brought to life one of my biggest fears (although it’s a giant rat pulling me under, possibly dressed as a clown).
I dismissed this as something that only happens to people of a more diminutive stature than I, until you all started weighing in with your own tales of London Underground doom, including arewethereyet83:
'IHTM too! Faringdon, rush hour, got pushed by someone and my leg went down the gap... absolutely fucking terrifying, and yes black goo everywhere, and bruises, and trying not to cry... I didn't have a run-in with any tentacles though. Gaaah!'
Thanks arewethereyet83, thank you very much. Looks like I’ll be getting the bus home from now on. Forever…
That Phoebe knows her manz candy
Phoebe Frangoul has never struck me as being a particular purveyor of man hunks, mainly because she’s happily married to Mr Phoebe and isn’t a massive pervert like me.
However, her selections for Obnoxiously Objectifying Thursday so far have been a total triumph.
This week, when she was stuck for ideas, I suggested she put it out on Twitter. Phoebe being Phoebe, she ignored all of your ideas and went with her own – Tom Hardy.
Suffice to say, it was a raging success, and we will never doubt her ability to spot a nice piece of man action again – as Misty_Shores points out:
Misty_Shores: How could i forget about him? I sat all the way through that really bad Reese Witherspoon rom-com because he was in it. Bonus points for being a closet ginger.
xoPhoebe: You see? everyone should trust my choices - i am the greatest!xo
Misty_shores: I pledge to follow you blindly from this day forward
Incidentally, it's totally gone to her head...
That you guys give AMAZING advice
Ok, I knew this already, but Alisande’s piece asking whether or not she should think about having IVF elicited some amazing responses and some really rather sage advice, opinions, and thoughtful questions on IVF, adoption and motherhood, including this from Veronica:
'Wow that's a toughie. I guess it really depends on how much you really want to be a mother. I don't think people give it as much thought as it warrants. I probably didn't but then I got knocked up and then the hormones took over and I turned into Mother Earth.
'BUT I remember the year after having my son thinking this is so NOT the best thing I've ever done in my life. I mean having a baby takes no skill whatsoever, as long as your bits are in working order you just get naked and do the dirty - you don't even have to be good at sex.
'Being a good mother does take A LOT of effort though.But there are lots of women doing it and our children only NEED us for a certain period of time then you've got to have some other shit to keep you occupied. How old are your fella's kids? Do you have the opportunity to play a parent role with them?
'If you're willing to consider adoption you clearly aren't one of those women that desperately need a child of their own loins which widens your options. IVF is not a bundle of fun and I think the disappointment if it didnt work would be pretty tough but tougher than not ever knowing?
'Oh I dont know. sorry this was probably of absolutely no use. But thanks for sharing be interested to follow your story. x'
Here I am being weighed down by my own wisdom. Don't laugh.
That I wasn’t the only person to have a special assembly at school when Robbie left Take That
In Hannah’s piece about idolising the ‘90s, she talks about how decade of her (and my) youth wasn’t anywhere near as cool as the young ‘uns of today seem to think it was.
I wholeheartedly agree, but I also got a massive dose of nostalgia when abbichicken posted this:
'Seriously, girls weren't caked in foundation? Oh, sweet children, you have no idea about the sheer amount of foundation that a 90s girl could get through in just one day. And yeah, sure, Bieberfever is a thing, but I remember the day Robbie left Take That and we had to have a school assembly about it with a horde of girls sobbing their hearts out. And the earrings, god, terrible, enormous, infinite fake gold earrings everywhere. And the hair gel. On everything. Shudder.'
Because we had a Take That assembly too! Oh the memories. Oh the sobbing…
That Canada definitely doesn’t want Pete Doherty
I tried to palm Chief Scumbag of the United Kingdom Pete Doherty onto the Canadians, but they were having none of it.
Representing Canada here is Bonecage:
'Isn't Vice saying he smoked his own blood? Oh, as a Canadian I can say NO we will not give you Bryan Adams. We love him and wish to keep him. You may have Stephen Harper.'
Ireland also refused him, but they did try and give us Bono. Hmm…
So what did you learn from xoJane this week, dear sweet readers? xo