Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
Dating is hard. Whether you meet in a dive bar or get paired together by the mysterious algorithms of Dr. Okc Upid, phD in Sexy Times, the story tends to be the same: you get some drinks, the other person makes you laugh, so you grab dinner, the other person makes you feel cute, so you smooch, and things seem to be going great when they ask you for pictures of your feet and mention that their other girlfriend thinks you are cute as well. Bummer.
We’re here to help. We’ve designed a foolproof way to determine who your date really is, using just one simple question: “What is your favorite ’90s kid’s show?” (If your date is surprised by the question, just tell him/her that you work for BuzzFeed. Suspicions averted!) With tongues placed firmly in our cheeks, we have drawn scientific (read: widely subjective) conclusions for the most popular answers. Let us know if we’re, like, hella tight or if we’re just trippin’ in the comments.
"Clarissa Explains It All"
This depends on who your date most identified with. If Clarissa, they definitely have a personal blog and will wear leggings as if they are actual pants; if Ferguson, they have a thing for Ayn Rand but want to date someone more “free-spirited” than them.
They tend to over-apologize and will probably cry after sex, at least once. Seriously. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
"Are You Afraid of the Dark"
They have a real thing for Edgar Allen Poe, so much so that they might have a themed tattoo. Also, they read various serial killers’ Wikpedias for fun. They’re probably afraid of the dark.
"My So-Called Life"
They have far too many Smiths ringtones. They still aren’t over their ex.
At least one of their siblings lives with them. They won’t let you sleep over because said sibling a) is over protective and/or b) has work early in the morning, every morning.
They always think the more modern remake is better than the original. (That is, when they know that it’s a remake.)
They have really intense, mostly negative feelings about high school; it’s best if you don’t bring it up. They have probably “catfished” someone. They are probably still catfishing someone.
They will hit on your parents. Both of them. They will break up with you, seemingly out of the blue, because they feel that you are not accommodating of their fetish.
They are waiting for the B2K reunion tour.
"Saved By The Bell"
They say things like “I’m not an asshole, I just speak my mind.” They think tuxedo t-shirts are classic.
No matter what the two of you do the night before, they will always wake up at seven the next morning. They read a lot of Cormac McCarthy. Regardless of their gender, they are still a horse girl.
They write Supernatural fan fiction in their free time. They are a devoted cosplayer.
"The Adventures of Pete & Pete"
They quote Coen brothers movies incessantly but they are really good at puns. They are devout Threadless patrons.
"The Secret World of Alex Mack"
Despite not saying anything yet, they secretly believe in the Illuminati. They might invite you over their place tonight — to watch Loose Change.
"Rocko’s Modern Life"
They really love Adult Swim. More so than anyone you have ever met.
"Kenan and Kel"
They will make that one joke about orange soda all of the time. All. Of. The. Time.
They are a really good person but kind of boring. Your mom will really love them. They will treat you right. You’ll know that you should settle down with them, but something will be lacking. You will probably cheat on them.
"Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"
They have an amazing sense of style. Your friends will really love them. They are an incredible dancer. You will become infatuated with this person because being around them makes you feel so good. They will probably cheat on you.
Reprinted with permission from The Jane Dough.