I CAN'T: The Weirdest Sexist T-shirt On the New Jersey Shore

Stuff gets WEIRD in some of these T-shirt shops.
Publish date:
June 11, 2014
sexism, t-shirts, the beach

I spent last weekend in one of my favorite places in the world -- Wildwood, New Jersey. About three hours out of the city, the Jersey shore town is dotted with hundreds of motels from the ’50s and ’60s in what's known as the "Doo-Wop" architectural style. Most of them have kitschy names and themes like "The Tiki Hut" or "The Lollipop."

Driving into town makes me feel like I'm driving back in time, which is great because I love time travel. (When I was a kid, I sometimes used to pretend that I was a time traveler who had just arrived in modern times and found everything strange and confusing. I was very cool and had a lot of friends.)

Anyway, aside from the vintage motels, I love the trashy boardwalk. I love the cheap fried food, I love the ramshackle aquarium where you can touch a nurse shark, and I LOVE the endless rows of stores selling "funny" T-shirts along the lines of "I'd Flex But I Like This Shirt" and "Hakuna Some Vodka." Stuff gets WEIRD in some of these T-shirt shops. It's a strange mish-mash of drug culture, shirts about "partying," images of Miley Cyrus, bad puns involving the word "twerk" and out-and-out "Party with Sluts" levels of sexism. And while a lot of them are offensive, some of them are both offensive and BIZARRE.

There are a lot of T-shirts in the "angry father" genre -- usually something about how Dad has a gun because his daughter is dating or whatever. But I think truly the strangest T-shirt I saw this year was this one from the "angry mom" perspective.

The Rules, in case you're having trouble reading the image, for dating this woman's (presumably teenage?) son (with my notes in italics):

1. He is not your ATM.

2. If you show up to my house looking like a stripper, I will make you go away.

3. If I see any "sexts" on his phone, I will make you go away. (Yeah, cause I'm sure the hormonal teenage boy had nothing to do with any sexting.)

4. Understand that if I don't like you, I will make you go away.

5. Understand that I can make you go away. (I think we got that from the 3 previous rules.)

6. He's a "Mama's Boy." Unless you have a ring on your finger, your opinion of that does not matter. (WHOA, so we're actually just kind of hanging out...)

7. You are not in charge of him and it is not up to you to change him. Take him for who he is, or see rule #5.

8. He is a gentleman. I taught him that. You better act like a lady and deserve that.

9. I know how to avoid jail. (WHAT?!?)

10. If you weasel your way past all of these rules, and fake your way to a ring on your finger, I will be something much worse than your boyfriend's mom. I'll be your mother-in-law! (OK, so are we just, like, joking around now, or are you still possibly going to prison?)

It's all weirdly specific, isn't it? Like a long, T-shirt-based subtweet to some girl her son once dated? I would really like to know more about the life situation of the person who wrote this. Do you have a favorite weird sexist T-shirt? Or am I the only one who kind of loves this sort of thing?