Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
TV told me I needed Pajama Jeans.
I usually listen to the TV.
Those jeans seemed to meet all my needs.
Was I tired of stiff, non-stretchy jeans that were not suitable for rock climbing or salsa dancing? YES I WAS!
Sick and tired of troublesome buttons and baffling zippers? SO sick. SO tired. SO baffled.
Frustrated with jeans that did not allow me to comfortably lounge or sleep in them? THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE.
So after much whining and not-so-covert hint dropping, my husband gave me my coveted Pajama Jeans for Christmas. Oh happy day! I had the "best of both worlds:" all of my ass-curves would be caressed with every pajama-like step, and if I wanted to look modern and stylish while roller-blading, I indeed would.
My husband calls them, "Jeans For When You've Given Up on Life." I resent that.
Pajama Jeans, however, are just a symptom of my obsession and addiction to all things sold on television. "The following is a paid presentation…" is like music to my insomniac ears.
It makes perfect sense actually. I love television, I love shiny things guaranteed to improve the parts of my life I did not know needed improving, and as the laziest person adrift in the middle of the Pacific, I love items that promise to chop my vegetables quicker, shorten my shower time or gently remove my earwax.
Some people have self-help books, I have As Seen on TV.
Over the years I've forked over more money to the TV gods than I'll ever admit. I haven't gone over to the Home Shopping Network dark side, but I have a fair idea what I'll be doing in the old folks home.
What entrances me so?
Maybe it's the most excellent marketing (Shopping as televised entertainment? Shut your face! Yes please!) or maybe it's the fact that I'm a slave to that perfect hum of materialism that possesses the human brain between the hours of 1am and 5am. Whatever it is, I'm all in.
And I believe that nobody's immune. I don't care what you say, if I handed you a Snuggie right now, you'd take it. And you'd like it.
Yes there are duds out there. (Pajama Jeans are not one of them).
Riddex Plus, guaranteed to send out some sort of magical electromagnetic field that "creates an uncomfortable, irritating environment for pest that helps drive those pesky pests right out of your house. Pests are not killed they just leave."
Not so much. The roaches still contentedly traipsed across my sleeping body until I broke down and bought Raid roach traps.
Nads Hair Removal Gel? The women at the waxing party or hair removal competition (seriously, click on the link and watch the video) on the TV look so happy! They're ripping all that hair away and laughing like it's being licked off by kittens!
Lies. My friend Liz and I split a kit in high school, giddy with the promise of easy, pain-free hair removal. Not so.
It hurt, it didn't take that much hair off (granted we were waxing virgins, but the infomercial said it shouldn't matter) and smearing that green shit on our bodies was was messy and felt like someone sneezed jello onto our legs.
Don't even get me STARTED on Proactiv. (I know it works for some people, but it made my skin zitty and oily, AND they wouldn't let me out of the cult! THEY WOULDN'T RELEASE ME! I had to cancel the credit card they were charging. I was really afraid Jessica Simpson and Mackenzie Phillips were going hunt me down.)
But for every unfortunately named hair removal product, there's a delightful Ped Egg. For every Riddex Plus, there's a Big Mouth Billy Bass, "the singing sensation!" Did I mention Pajama Jeans?
So I present to you my infomercial wish list. If you ever feel so inclined to leave a gift on my doorstep, I live in Honolulu and you'll recognize my apartment as the one with the Clean Step Mat out front.
Have you seen the commercial for this thing? It's my most favorite one on right now.
It starts with a man who is foolishly cleaning his ear with a Q-tip and after encountering brain matter yanks the Q-tip painfully out of his ear with a yelp. Who DOES this?
Nonetheless I want the Wax Vac.
I don't know if I have extra waxy ears, but I'm ALWAYS cleaning my ears. The crap that comes out of them is the stuff of nightmares. Yet I'm the brand of sicko who loves to examine the junk that my body expels -- whiteheads, ingrown hairs, earwax. If I could vacuum my earwax and then dump it out in the sink, I'd be SO HAPPY.
Due to a combination of nerve damage and working on my feet all day, my legs and feet hurt almost all the time. I used to pester my husband to give me a massage, but frankly I felt bad asking.
But if I could just strap these puppies on, I'd be SO HAPPY. The Air Press Leg Massager promises to, "inflate and deflate, gently squeezing and releasing the muscles. Massaging away fatigue, stiffness and soreness".
Plus, wouldn't you want to jump me if you came home to see me sitting on the couch watching "Law & Order: SVU" wearing these?
It's a "5-in-1 formula"!
Wen "takes the place of your shampoo, conditioner, deep conditioner, detangler and leave-in conditioner". One product, less shower time, fabulous hair? I'd be SO HAPPY.
I dream of people asking me, "What's your hair secret?" and I pull a tub of Wen out of my bag and we marvel that one product could make my hair so shiny and bouncy and soft.
I'm a little afraid I'll try this, or something like this one day, and I'll be disappointed. So I've held off on buying this in order to keep the dream alive.
I'm good at starting grease fires.
My stove top sucks so when frying or cooking or sautéeing something, I tend to turn up the stove too high, et voila! FIRE! SMOKE! DESTRUCTION!
The Orgreenic Fry Pan promises that it "is PTFE and PFOA free, green, the non-toxic ceramic non-stick cooking surface ensures effortless food release and allows you to whip up tasty meals without using oil, butter or grease."
If I could cook thing without having to worry about "toxic gases" being released from my Teflon frying pan or the fear of incineration from oil or grease I'd be SO HAPPY.
Who doesn't want to sleep on a damn cloud?
"The Sobakawa® Cloud Pillow™ is crescent-shaped to follow the contours of your neck and shoulders. As you move, 10 million Micro-air beads move with you and absorb your movement, maintaining both comfort and firm support. Unlike ordinary pillows that are hard and flat like bricks. It also allows air to flow freely thought the pillow to keep you head cool."
10 MILLION Micro-air beads? Cooling air flow? Movement absorption? Yes please. I don't know if I have an extra heavy cranium, but my pillows tend to flatten and get lumpy really quickly. Part of the reason I love hotels so much is because of their pillows. How do they stay so cool?
If I had a Sobakawa Cloud Pillow, I'd be SO HAPPY.
So this is the crap I want. Oh I know, it's probably mostly junk. But there's a part of me that really believes that I may hit gold with one of these.
I did with Pajama Jeans.
What are your infomercial desires? Have you ever bought something off of television or from one of those nifty "As Seen on TV" stores? Was it amazing? Tell me everything.