Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
There are two types of humans on this planet: Those who prefer cookie dough to baked cookies and those who are idiots. But raw dough sometimes gets a bad rep for being "dangerous." "It's the eggs," they say, "the salmonella will get you."
I have been eating raw and partially cooked eggs almost my entire life and I’ve never had an issue. I have been poisoned by food exactly twice in my life, and the culprits were raw oysters and a chopped salad from Subway. But some people do not possess my cavalier attitude toward salmonella. Some people are cautious when it comes to raw eggs.
It is with these people in mind that Unbakeables were created. This egg-free cookie dough is meant to be eaten directly out of the freezer. You can only find it at a few grocery stores in Connecticut and New York but guess what? I AM IN NEW YORK.
I meandered over to Brooklyn Fare to pick some up. It was hard to find as it wasn’t in the cookie dough section or near the frozen desserts, but wedged near some Lima beans. Two flavors were available: birthday cake dough topped with sprinkles and chocolate chocolate chip dough topped with chocolate mint. I chose the birthday cake option and guess how much this tube of eggless dough was?
I checked the ingredients list and NOPE NO EDIBLE GOLD so I really don't know what's going on here.
Even if this was the best-tasting cookie dough to ever grace my mouth, there is no way anyone should be expected to pay 17 dollars for 326 grams of sugar, flour, butter, and sprinkles. (Unfortunately for me and my panel of tasters, this was not the best cookie dough to ever grace our mouths. But we'll get to that later.)
But I bought it, because someone needs to report on the hard stories, and on the way home I took a detour to Momofuku Milk Bar to buy some (less) expensive cookies (and soft serve).
I then assembled my panel of tasters (the people whose home I am invading for about five days) and nobody was overly impressed. [Note: I've seen favorable reviews for this product, so I don't know if we got a bad batch, but for $17 a tube, I wasn't about to go buy another one.]
Me: Nope. Not great.
Danielle: I can usually put a way a fist of cookie dough and I could not do that with this.
Me: Salt. It needs salt.
John: There's a sourness. Do you think it's bad? How would it go bad?
Danielle: It leaves a film on my tongue.
Me: Maybe it's the sprinkles [scrapes off sprinkles]. Nope. Still terrible.
Danielle: It's still leaving a film on my tongue.
John: I would rather take my chances with salmonella than eat this.
So no one was a really a fan. But here's the thing: I don't understand WHY this stuff tasted so bad. It had a definite sourness prompting Danielle to call it a "Kombucha Cookie" but there was also an artificial sweetness there. I checked the ingredients, and it was pretty much what you would expect: flour, sugar, butter, water, baking powder, vanilla, salt BUT ALSO vinegar.
I really don't know why vinegar would be involved. In baking, vinegar can supply the acid needed for the chemical reactions that supply "lift" to pastries, but these are "unbakeables," meaning you don't bake them.
OR DO YOU?
I felt dared by the products name. By calling something "unbakeable" you are begging for me to bake it. It's like those supposed "unbreakable" drinking glasses. I will vanquish you polycarbonate; I will be your downfall.
I set the oven to 350F and plopped one of the dough disks onto the sheet. After about t12 minutes, the edges were golden brown and it was ready to be consumed. I broke off a bit and chewed.
Better. The sourness was still there, but it seemed to be somewhat tempered by the baking process.
I consulted the panel.
John: Now it just tastes like a not very good cookie.
Danielle: Sour dough. It tastes like a sour dough cookie.
But it was bakeable! It actually had a pretty good sugar cookie consistency. Nice and chewy.
So though I appreciate the creativity that went into this product, it's simply not worth it. Though I would never recommend you do this (especially if you're pregnant, elderly, a baby, or have a compromised immune system), I'm going to keep eating raw cookie dough. Regular pre-made, cookie dough runs about four dollars, and it tastes amazing. Like I said earlier, I've never been hurt by a raw egg. Maybe if I had been, I would feel differently.