Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
For someone whose internal organs palpably shrivel with anxiety when simply walking past a school, I sure do love learning new things. Some random facts I've learned in the past month or so:
- There are 15 people in the United Stated named Donut.
- My paternal great-grandparents lived in Williamsburg — the same Brooklyn neighborhood I live in — after emigrating from Poland in the early 1900s.
- The boomslang snake will make you bleed from every hole in your body until you die, and also there's a snake called boomslang, which is fun to say. (There is only one person in the U.S. named Boomslang.)
- The senior members of the British Royal Family can bestow a Royal Warrant of Appointment upon brands and service providers they use so those brands can brag that the Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Philip, and Prince Charles are their customers.
As much as I'd like this article to be an interview with someone named Donut, today I'm focusing on that last fact about Royal Warrants of Appointment — specifically the ones issued by the Queen.
According to the Royal Warrant Holders Association: "A Royal Warrant of Appointment is a mark of recognition of those who have supplied goods or services to the Households of HM The Queen, HRH The Duke of Edinburgh or HRH The Prince of Wales for at least five years, and who have an ongoing trading arrangement ... The Warrant gives the Grantee permission, and responsibility, for the display of the relevant Royal Arms in connection with the business ... Today there are around 800 Royal Warrant holders representing a huge cross-section of trade and industry, from individual craftspeople to global multi-nationals. They are united by a commitment to the highest standards of service, quality and excellence."
When I heard that these are a thing, I was intrigued. I had no idea that there's such pomp and circumstance surrounding the products and services the royals use — and not just fancy products and services. Royal Warrants are issued for everything from butter to horse beds to bras. There's even a Scottish company that has been royally appointed "Suppliers of Mail-Order Smoked Food & Hampers." (Like... what?) I can't help but picture the Queen knighting a stack of her favorite toilet paper, which, just like your employer, is apparently Kimberly-Clark.
It really gives the phrase "fit for a queen" a whole new meaning when you consider that the Queen uses many products by brands that are entirely accessible to plebs like you and me. And while you probably won't be buying anyone ketchup for Christmas — the Queen uses Heinz — there are a lot of great gifts available from the companies given permission by the Queen to display her coat of arms.
So if you have a friend who deserves to be treated like a queen, or just thinks they deserve to be treated like a queen, or just says "YAAASSSS QUEEEEEN" a lot despite your pleas for them to stop, perhaps one of these gift ideas — all of which fall under the Queen's Royal Warrants — will make them feel like the 90-year-old corgi-loving monarch they long to be.
This terrifying photo of wax figures of the British Royal Family wearing ugly Christmas Sweaters — brought to you by Madame Tussauds, aspiring holder of a Royal Warrant for supplying fear and humiliation — wishes you a very happy holiday season!