Make sure to take your makeup off before you go to bed.
Food has become an extreme sport. The KFC Double Down was just the beginning, kittens. America is playing a weird game of culinary chicken with itself, creating junk/comfort food hybrids like mac and cheese filled meatloaf. In our flavor-blasted world, restaurants have to deep- fry, cheese-drown, bacon-wrap or Nutella-inject their products to get and keep the consumers attention.
No one at Lower Haus is complaining.
If I see a Cool Ranch Dorrito Taco, I eat a Cool Ranch Dorrito Taco. I’ll take my bacon sampler with a glass of rye whiskey, thank you, and I wash it down with a piping hot glass of boundaries. Don’t worry though; I just ate two clementines to stave off scurvy.
One food group in which the ante can be continuously upped is pizza. All you need to do is add more toppings, and when you run out of toppings to add, add more cheese. But what if you run out of surface area in which to add cheese? Then what? This question was answered in the early 1990s by a young Chaz Romano when he invented stuffed crust pizza in his parents’ basement. He sold the idea to Pizza Hut, and the rest is delicious, greasy history. I really want to be best friends with Chaz, though he probably wouldn’t have the time, as he has “six cats and many lady friends.”
But stuffed crust pizza has been around since 1995, and it was clearly time for a new cheese delivery system. Enter Pizza Hut’s new Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza. It’s basically Pizza Hut’s regular pizza, surrounded by sixteen pizza dough cups, filled with a five-cheese blend.
I love a good food gimmick, and I love using “journalism” as an excuse to put disgusting things in my body. Before writing for Xojane, the only excuse I had was “God made me in his/her own image,” which offended my grandmother. My writing on Xojane also offends my grandmother though, so there is no winning.
We ordered this pie mid spring cleaning, which seemed like the natural thing to do. Pizza is always a go-to when engaged in a semi-physically taxing activity such as moving, cleaning, or house painting, plus our oven was indisposed at the time.
We can rarely agree on pizza toppings (OR FAST FOOD), so we did half pepperoni/ jalapeño and half pepperoni/pineapple. Can you guess whose is whose?
Mine is the pineapple, and I don’t care that Anthony Bourdain disapproves of the combination; I disapprove of him never making out with me. We’re all disappointments to someone, Tony.
The pizza itself was a pretty standard pizza. Pizza Hut has never been my favorite, but it’s still pizza, which is better than a sharp stick in the eye, or whatever. I have nothing new to report on the quality of the pizza itself. You all have your formed opinions about the quality of Pizza Hut and nothing I say is going to change that. But let’s talk about those cheese cups. Firstly, I like the way they look! They are aesthetically pleasing to my eyes! I don’t like that you can’t pull them off of the pizza and eat them separately. You have to eat the rest of your boring pizza before getting to the novelty cheese cups.
I tried to rip them off, but I just tore my slice of pizza.
Once I was resigned to eating the pedestrian portion of the pizza first, I dug in.
Then I finally made it to the glorious cups. I was promised a five cheese blend. Maybe my palate is unrefined (doubtful) but I only tasted two, and they were mozzarella and provolone, but cheap provolone. This is all fine. When you “blend” more than two cheeses, they all start to merge into one cheese and the distinct flavors can be difficult to pick out.
My only qualm lies in the texture of the cheese. It was a little plastic, with a layer of grease on the surface. The reason for this is easy to see: By not allowing the consumer to detach the cheese cups right off the bat, Pizza Hut is forcing the consumer to allow the cheese cups to cool, and the viscosity changes.
Guys, I still ate all of the cheese cups. The cheese was a little rubbery, but it’s from Pizza Hut, I would be disappointed if the experience wasn’t at least a little gross. And, the fact remains that it’s still pockets of melted cheese! No matter how sub-par the cheese is, I am still going to eat it. That’s just how I’m made.
Moving on to the crust: I have never been a crust person. As a child, I would give them to my mother; as an adult, I feed them to Angie. I’ve really never had time for crust unless it somehow had more cheese. But this crust is awesome because, besides being cheese-filled, the edges are raised and they get all crispy and fantastic. Plus, there’s really not a lot of plain crust, so my mouth doesn’t get bored.
I liked this pizza. I will order it next time I am drunk or, as you like to call it, “Tuesday.”
But guys, I have seen crazier pizzas. When I was in Israel, I saw a pizza with corn, tuna and hard-boiled egg on it. When I was in Italy, I saw a pizza with NO CHEESE AT ALL. THAT is truly insane. But Asia, wins at crazy pizza. Click on the above hyperlink, and prepare to have your mind blown. Because really, what could possibly be crazier than something called Whole Shrimp Cheese Bite?
America really needs to step up her game.
Claire tweets pictures of a lot of the things she puts in her body. @clairelizzie