The Weird Random Stuff I Find On The Internet When I'm Sick: An Imaginary Shopping Spree

Clothes, jewelry, life-sized horse-shaped lamps -- if you can dream it, the internet can reveal it to you.
Publish date:
November 21, 2013
shoppables, toilets

Woe is me. I'm sick.

My head feels like a balloon, I can't figure out if I'm nauseous or hungry, and something aches, though I'm not quite sure what.

This post comes to from my couch, where my ass, my computer and the past few seasons of "Dexter" and "Celebrity Ghost Stories", have been curled up for the past couple days.

My coffee table is strewn with various half drunk mugs of my favorite "I'm sick" concoctions -- vegetable soup, dandelion tea with honey, and my favorite cure-all from childhood, 7-Up and DayqQuil.

My cat and my husband -- who let's be real, gets a headache and fears his humors might benefit from a bleeding -- offer to sit on my stomach or bring me sustenance, but sweet as those offers are, I just want to be left alone to bask in the glow of technology and all the pretty things it has to offer.

Laying here in my hot little apartment, I've had plenty of time to ponder all the things that would improve my life and make me a better human being.

You know, stuff. Clothes, jewelry, life-sized horse-shaped lamps -- if you can dream it, the internet can reveal it to you.

I probably shouldn't be staring at my computer, but like a dear friend who I never get to just sit and have coffee with, my computer and I have some light hearted catching up to do. And we have a lot in common.

So from my foggy, can't-focus-on-Jennie-Garth-telling-a-ghost-story brain, I bring you a sampling of "Random Shit From the Internet I Want". I believe these things may have the power to cure what ails me.

I hope they cure what ails you too.

My first stop was…

Cat dresses.

There are certainly more dainty kitty dresses out there, but considering my mood, this "BACK OFF" cat appeals to me so much more. This one too:

Big, bold, assertive, gray-cat dress. And if you look closely, its eyes are two different colors. Yes, please.

While looking at clothes I stumbled upon this from ModCloth:

I can't decide if it's awesome or stupid, but it glows in the dark!

Ever since I was a kid, if something had the magic power to glow in the dark, it was infinitely better. I think it's currently sold out, so I guess I'm not the only one who considered its awesomeness. If we ever have a Creepy Corner meet up, this may have to be THE dress.

Speaking of things that belong in the Creepy Corner...

I'd like to think that if one day I get to be the Comissioner Gordon of all things creepy, this will be my "Batphone". I found it on the Horrific Finds page on Facebook. There isn't a link to purchase it, so if any of you know where to find it, do share. And Creepy Corneristas, if you haven't checked out Horrific Finds yet…go now.

I found this there too:


Hearts! The next place the internet whisked me off to was in search of heart jewelry. No not this jewelry:

Not that there's anything wrong with it, it's just a little plain for my tastes. I was thinking something more like this:

or this:

I love that when you open up the locket you get veins and chambers and arteries. Oh my!

While perusing jewelry I veered over to the cuter side of things (unless you consider anatomical hearts cute, then hey, ADORABLE!), and revisited this guy:

He's a sloth! Hanging on! To the tree branch of your heart! I actually ordered him a few days ago as a Christmas present for a friend, so friends, if you're reading this, it might be YOU.

Back on the animal track, I glanced at a cat-shaped Tiffany-style lamp, and realized that my home was sorely in need of more animal themed interior illumination. (I'm sick, give me a break)

It is then that I discovered this beauty:

Here he is in his natural habitat:

It's a freakin' full sized horse lamp. My childhood dream of owning Black Beauty can be made a reality. If I had this lamp, I would most certainly talk to it.

After dragging myself up for a bathroom break, my mind went to toilets.

You've been sick, you've been there, you know what it's all about. Have you ever been to Japan? Their toilets are exemplary. They are the iPads of toilets.

When my husband was living in Kyoto a few years ago, I went to visit him for a few weeks.

He lived in what most people would call a closet, but the Japanese call an apartment. The bathroom and the kitchen were essentially one. HOWEVER.

The toilet had SETTINGS. It was simple, plebeian by Japanese standards, but I was charmed. It had a "washing" function, a "drying" function, and a "SEAT WARMING" function. I only used the seat warming function, but my trips to the restroom were considerably more leisurely, especially on cold winter mornings.

One night, while we were in a karaoke bar, I excused myself to use the restroom. As soon as I sat down, the sound of gentle samisen music and a babbling brook filled my ears.

It was coming from the toilet.

I glanced at the panel to my right, and suddenly felt like Captain Picard. There were so many buttons and controls! It actually took me a minute to figure out how to proceed next and "make it so".

After I finished my business and figured out how to flush the toilet, the seat closed itself, as if delicately waiving a fond farewell to me.

It was all so beautiful.

Ever since then, I've daydreamed about having one of my very own.

And this is an iToilet if I've ever seen one:

After the excitement of all this interwebbing, my head is, understandably, a little achey.

I hope you had fun following my wandering brain around the internet. What do you do on your sick days? Fall down any rabbit holes lately?

I leave you now with this moment of zen. I'm going to turn down the lights, switch to my pre-bed cocktail of soda with a splash of Nyquil, and be thankful that the Japanese created this teeny tiny food.

Trust me, you will be thankful too.