Why Rabbits Are Better Than Dogs And Cats, And Why I Miss Mine

I'll have none of your dogs and cats, or your budgies or guinea pigs -- frankly, they can all fuck off as long as bunnies are around.
Publish date:
January 17, 2013
pets, xojane UK, rabbits

When I was 14, a kid's consumer programme came to my school. They came to talk to us about our issues -- what was it that worried us modern day teens about living in the 90s, how did we feel about “the Internet,” did we have an email?

I put my hand in the air.

“Bunnies.” I confidently ventured. “Bunnies are completely underrated pets, and it HAS TO STOP.” I felt a little flutter of pride at being the one who had finally said it.

I have never been able to understand quite why they didn't run with this hot-button topic on their programme, but it was entirely to their detriment and I was less than impressed with the article on “Why are tuck shop sweets so expensive?” that they ran in its stead.

Rabbits make the best pets. That's right, I've just gone ahead and come out and said it. Bunnies make the BEST pets. I'll have none of your dogs and cats, or your budgies or guinea pigs - frankly, they can all fuck off as long as bunnies are around and I'll tell you for why.

Cats don't love you. Whatever you think, cat lovers, let me tell you now that they don't love you. They see you as a pathetic substandard life-form with a pitiful habit of craving their affection and talking to them in an odd squeaky voice. If they could talk, they would tell you that their name isn't Mr Piddlepants, but is in fact RODENT CARNAGE MOUSE KILLER.

They insinuate themselves into your graces through shameless flirtation and loud cawing noises until you feed them, and then they bugger off to the house next door to repeat the whole sorry process again. They feel no remorse. They openly shit in a tray in your kitchen, where you prepare your food, that you EAT. They could not care less. I respect them for this, but it doesn't make me want to cohabit with them.

Dogs on the other hand genuinely love you, but dear LORD have you smelt their breath?! Eating all of that revolting dog food and whatever crap they've found decaying in a field does not an aromatic mouth-odour make. Plus, you have to take them out for walks, and I am lazy. A dog is not for me.

Nope, it is rabbits for the win. Rabbits are brilliant for so many reasons. Firstly, have you ever even seen a rabbit?! They are the cutest little bundles of joy that ever lived and I can, and do, waste hours on the Internet scrolling through page after page of bunny photos squealing joyfully to myself. Then, they are so clean. They clean up after themselves by eating their own shit.

They do a little tiny inoffensive poo, that looks like a Malteser and then they neatly hoover it up themselves. They are very pernickety about their personal hygiene in general. They choose for themselves a designated toilet area, which will be the only place they do their business, and they keep the rest of their area tidy.

I think their bad rep comes from people thinking they are boring. Rabbits are far from boring, in fact rabbits are very playful. If you give a rabbit a towel it will entertain you, and itself, for hours by digging it up into a big bunch and then smoooooothing it out again, burrowing underneath it, picking it up and throwing it around.

Give them a nice big garden to play in and they will barrel around doing leaps and jumps, and generally have a fantastic time of it. In spring they go particularly loopy, from the sheer joy of it all.

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