Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
Because of my passions for trend-diets, university studies and drugs, a study out of the University of Nebraska, the Harvard School of Public Health and Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center inspired me to near orgasmic delight. This, the sexiest of all reading material, a scientific study, found that tokers have tinier waists and more good cholesterol than those who have not seen the way of the green.
Scientists don’t know what it is about THC that causes this yet, but they are probably having a really good time trying to figure it out. Whatever, I’m being immature and dumb and should probably look up the chemical theories behind these findings. But instead, I am imagining a roomful of scientists putting ranch dressing on Papa John’s cheese pizzas while they talk about what movie they should watch.
Anyway, it is only a matter of time until that lady you babysit for stops inviting you to join her at Curves and starts dragging you into her garage to listen to the musical stylings of Chicago while ripping on a fat ol’ J.
With that in mind, I’ve put together five other “alternative diet plans.” Please consult your doctor and that really high lady next door in her garage belting “Saturday In The Park” before trying any of these yourself.
1.) Eat Only Food That Resembles Yourself
Sure, you love pizza and sweets, but we all know that when it comes to weight-loss you’ve only got one real ally -- yourself! To that end, in this diet, seek out vegetables that resemble you. This will probably limit you to weirdly shaped potatoes, carrots, and roots of ginger. The good news is that while your options are limited, you can eat as much of these things as you want! Bonus: Chronicling your journey with photos of your doppelganger foodstuffs is basically a Tumblr account waiting to go viral.
2.) Only Eat Foods That Speak
Not for the faint of heart. On this diet, the pounds melt away as you feast on African Gray parrots, ravens, and people who irritate you. Be careful with the number of humans you consume, not only because cannibalism is the greatest of all taboos in Western Culture, but because murder is hard to get away with.
3.) The Cookie Diet
Noooo, not THAT cookie diet. On this diet, prepare and consumer several dozen cookies and eat one with every meal. Crumble the cookies over your salads, your steaks, into your eggs -- you’ll find yourself less compelled to eat in great volume, AND you get to eat cookies! “So basically this is Sensa,” I hear a lot of you saying. To which I say, “IS SENSA COOKIES? NO IT IS NOT.” Then I eat a cookie, because I don’t recommend a diet to you unless I’ve tried it myself.
4.) The Ghost Diet
In the ghost diet, you only eat what a ghost you communicate with through the use of a Ouija board or a mid-to-high price medium or general psychic informs you that you can eat. “Suet?” “The tears of my lover?” “Despair?” It’s up to you to interpret their sometimes strange instructions. Sure, these may be arcane requests, but since they're coming from all-knowing supernatural entities, I wouldn’t try to furtively sneak grilled cheeses. #ghostmurder
5.) Lobster Lobster Lobster
In this diet, you eat only lobsters. Lobster rolls are cheating. If you feel pressure at social outings to eat “a fucking burger,” you can always bring a plastic baggy full of lobster meat with your in your purse. If the peer pressure is particularly vicious, you can bring a living lobster with you and quietly crush its exoskeleton and eat it alive while making eye contact with that friend of a friend who told you not to get “weird skinny.”
Obviously these are not real things. Though the lobster one might be a good tactic to employ when stuck in social situations and desperate to escape.
What’s the weirdest diet trend you’ve tried? I’ve done Atkins twice and the second time I started having these heaving sobs once because I thought the word “pancake.” I tried to make Atkins pancakes and had this a-ha moment of “What the fuck is my life right now?” I never looked back.
Share all your shit with me in the comments, and if you’re ever in my part of Brooklyn I’ve got an LP player and a greatest hits of Chicago on standby if you follow my drift.