Please Stop Using These Annoying Phrases Before I Am Forced to "Snapped" Murder You

16. "Amazeballs"

Feb 22, 2012 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

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I read things all day for work, and I like reading books and magazines, as well. In most of those things, people usually speak in full sentences. I like full sentences.

There are, indeed, words that have pervaded everyday conversation that make me want to run back to grad school and major in Semiotics (University Of Arizona Online offers that, right?).

And, no, it’s not as if I speak particularly well, either, but I like to say “well” instead of “good” because I prefer to sound like a grown-up. And I like to hear other people sound like grown-ups, too. Being a grown-up is awesome! (Also, this piece was fueled when I overheard a girl on the street, smoking, say, “God, I’m totally going to get euphemism.” She meant emphysema, and I couldn’t help but tear up.)

In any event, I’ve tried to not let lazy language -- or, for lack of a better term -- “mushmouth” (more often that not delivered in that froggy baritone reeking of one’s inability to speak at a normal volume) drive me too nuts. Even in New York, where the literary gods that immediately come to mind include  luminaries like Allen Ginsberg, Joan Didion and Candace “The Voice Of A Generation” Bushnell, plenty of people use terms that need to go away, and fast. It’s everywhere, I tell you, and we can all band together to MAKE IT STOP!

No more of these 25 phrases:

25. “Hell to the no”

24. “Liberry” for “library”

23. “Ridiculousness”

22. “No offense, but”/”Not to sound racist, but...” (STOP RIGHT THERE, BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO DO JUST THAT!)

21. “For all intensive purposes” for “for all intents and purposes”

20. “Life’s a bitch and then you die.” (Seriously, stop complaining. Life is good, and I don’t need to wear my dad’s trademarked hat to prove it.)

19. “I just threw up in my mouth/peed a little” (Then get it together, and we’ll talk soon!)

18. “Lataz”

17. “Aks”

16. "Amazeballs"

15. “Drama” (in any context besides theater)

14. Celebrity portmanteaus (see “Brangelina,” “Tomkat”)

13. “Irregardless”

12. “Let’s agree to disagree.” (It doesn’t work like that!)

11. “Screwed up the ass" (Crude and, also, some people like buttsex?)

10. “Pussywhipped”

9. Any catchphrase from "Friends," "Martin," or "Saturday Night Live" pre-2006

8. “Literally” (used incorrectly or pronounced “lit’rally”)

7. “Bitch” (double no-no points for “Bee-yotch”)

6. Describing anything but an actual ghetto as “ghetto”

5. Abbreviated celebrity names (see “J. Lo,” “ScarJo”)

4. “Koolbeanz”

3. “So random”

2. ““Awkward”

1. “Awesomesauce”

Although it hasn’t happened yet (and I’m guilty of all three), calling something a “thing,” the term “ladyparts” and any and all jokes from "30 Rock" will soon be heaped onto the top of that list, but their time has not yet come.

For now, we’ll just have to cover our mouths every time we want to use the word “awkward” to describe something mildly uncomfortable, or when we catch ourselves trying to abbreviate Dick Van Dyke’s name with something sexier, but to no avail because let’s just call him Dick Van Dyke, okay? Awesomesauce.

(PS: Are you on board with me here? What annoys you? K THANX BYE*)


*IRONY