FASHION DARE: I Wore a "Pizza Pouch" Around My Neck And Here Is My Thorough and Serious Review

It's exactly what it sounds like: a pouch for your pizza, and I wore it around Portland for one rainy Saturday to see what the public thought.
Publish date:
November 18, 2015
gimmicks, pizza, Pizza Pouch, Product Review

It is no secret that we here at xoJane are serious about our pizza, so it should come as no surprise the the Pizza Pouch was quick to get our attention. What is the Pizza Pouch? Well, it's exactly what it sounds like: a pouch for your pizza, and I wore it around Portland for one rainy Saturday.

Distributed by Stupididiotic (a fine purveyor of quality items), the product description really sells it:

No one should ever be without pizza. Sadly, (often tragically) pizza is not always available for immediate hand-to-mouth consumption. Prepare yourself. Keep and carry a backup slice with this specially designed Pizza Pouch. A durable zip-lock sealing neck-strap pie slice device. Always fresh and ready. BONUS: Just wearing this Pizza Pouch will instantly make you more popular and attractive. It’s a bold (and delicious) fashion statement. Portable pizza. The best invention since delivery.

Willing to buy anything that will instantly make me more attractive, I paid the eight bucks (plus seven in shipping), even though I was 82% sure this sketchy website was going to steal my debit card information.

It arrived without financial incident, and I was ready to take it to the streets and see what the public thought. We'll get to the reactions and feedback in a moment, but first, I have a couple of criticisms relating to the functionality:

1. The pizza pouch is not very big. I was able to fit a slice of Pizza Hut's medium thin crust pizza, but a thicker crust (or larger slice) would have been impossible. This is obviously a problem, as most of the pizza I eat comes from East Glisan Pizza and looks like this:

2. You can only put cold pizza in the pouch. If you were to place a piece of hot pizza within it, the toppings would slide off and stick inside. This is clearly unacceptable. (Also: the plastic is quite thin, and I'm not sure the pouch would maintain its integrity.)

3. The pouch makes your pizza taste kind of plasticy.

Anyway. Let's hear what the real people in the streets are saying.

Our first stop was at the farmer's market, to get eggs. We're really into The Dancing Chicken Farm and try to get all of our eggs (both chicken and duck!) from them. They have a little photo book of all the chickens, and it's very nice. Anyway, the egg man was not impressed with the Pizza Pouch.

In fact, for someone who was wearing a chicken on his head, he seemed downright judge-y. We both have our brands to represent, man.

"So what's the deal with that pizza thing?" he asked, sighing.

"Uh, it's a pizza pouch...just to like, carry around an extra slice of pizza...for when you need it."

After a pretty intense session of-peering-disapprovingly-over-his-glasses, he mumbled something about "not getting all the weirdos" and made a cross with his fingers at me. But he still sold me my eggs and let me take a picture of his hat, so we're cool.

We were feeling a bit peckish, so headed to the Pine State Biscuit stand to get a tasty biscuit, where I received a much warmer response to the pizza hanging around my neck.

"I'm sorry, but I have to ask about your necklace," very nice dude who cooked my breakfast said, "where did you get it?"

"Oh, this?" I laughed, flipping my hair, "I got it from Stupididiotic. It's just a pouch for your emergency pizza needs."

"I love it. It's so cool. Man, I'm just pumped about it." (He really said "pumped.")

Feeling emboldened by this more positive interaction, I strolled through the market with my shoulders back and my head held high. Then some dude asked us if we wanted to change our energy provider, and we were like "We rent, so."

"I'm sorry, is that pizza?"

This man was taken aback at first, but quickly recovered, and pointed out the "can't keep your pizza warm" flaw in the design. "Maybe you could strap on one of those little hand warmer packs," he suggested.

Maybe you could, sir. Maybe you could. That still wouldn't solve the problem of the toppings sliding off, but I applauded his ingenuity.

Finally, we left the farmer's market and did a little shopping. I tried on this coat and H&M and was delighted to find that it looked awesome with the pizza pouch, but was sad to find it was $99, which is more than I care to spend at H&M. (Sometimes H&M and F21 forget their place.)

The salespeople at H&M largely ignored me, which was kind of nice, actually. Next we went to the American Girl store, where I explained the concept of $100-dolls to my husband, who had grown up in a Felicity-less world.

The American Girl people were nice, but I could tell they were purposely maintaining eye contact at all times, avoiding the Pizza Pouch and the many questions it would have raised. Some people just aren't ready.

Next stop was the Kate Spade store, where I found even more food-themed accessories! (Sadly, the ladies at Kate Spade were not as enthusiastic about my pizza necklace as I was about their cupcake wristlet, and they pretty much pretended like I wasn't there.)

Finally, I had to go to Coach, because the strap on my crossbody was starting to fray. Not only did the very nice woman there give me some (free!) tips on how to repair my strap, she was very complimentary about the pizza pouch, and even tried it on.

So I wouldn't say the world is totally ready for the Pizza Pouch, but that nice woman gives me hope. If everyone can learn to be open and accepting of cutting edge pizza transport systems, then perhaps real innovation can occur, and we will get a more functional Pizza Pouch . A Pizza Pouch that is more than a gag gift. A Pizza Pouch that can handle a hot slice.

And that is the dream.