Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
Have you ever masturbated while watching a food programme? No? Well you obviously haven’t seen Man v. Food, the Travel Channel’s wildly popular food porn extravaganza, hosted by the somehow extremely sexy Adam Richman.
Never before has a man shovelling a 7lb burrito into his pie hole been so deliciously beguiling. When faced with the world’s spiciest chicken wings, this man mountain bravely looks indigestion in the face and chows down, and the slowed down shots of him pouring milk all over his face to try and stop spice burn is enough to have me running for the rewind button.
Ever since I first laid eyes on him in 2010, I’ve been obsessed. I think I’ve seen the episode where he drinks litres of milkshakes and has to go and throw up on the pavement outside the restaurant about 27 times. It NEVER gets old. And somehow, I still fancy him.
Maybe it’s the dark slick of bouncy hair resting a-top his cheeky face, framing those puppy dog eyes. Maybe it’s the Brooklyn charm, the wit and smile. Maybe it’s the fact that he can absolutely destroy a 1/2-lb hamburger topped with sautéed jalapeño, serrano, and Naga Jolokia peppers, covered in melted cheese and drenched in habanero chili sauce. The man is some NEXT LEVEL SHIT.
Although he has now retired from competitive eating, he is thankfully still available to watch on TV with his shows ‘Best Sandwich in America’ (I DIE!) and ‘Man v. Food Nation’ where essentially he goes around the USA getting people to try and eat as many hotdogs as is humanly possible in a short amount of time. What’s not to love?
I actually tweeted him once, when drunk, saying ‘I want to climb you like a tree’ and he ACTUALLY REPLIED. Probably the best moment of my life.
Does the Richman do it for you? Are you in agreement that his sideways glances to camera, while deepthroating a Salty Dog hotdog, are probably the sexiest thing you’ve ever had the good fortune of witnessing?
Do I need to get some new celebrity crushes that aren’t food related? You tell me!
Natalie’s snorting chopped up jalapenos to get Adam’s attention over on Twitter: @Natalie_KateM
Picture Credit: Rex Features