I'll Try Anything Once: Press-On Nails

Plus, any excuse to post that video of Dolly playing her acrylic nails.
Publish date:
December 5, 2011
nail polish, nails, press on nails, M

No lie, I forgot that press-on nails even existed until I was walking outside on Saturday and somebody handed me a free sample of this Impress Press-On Manicure with Nicole Sherzinger weirdly peeking out of one corner. Hey girl!

Actually, I waited in line behind a 5-year-old girl who greedily asked for pink instead of just taking whatever color was handed to her like us GROWN-UPS did. I got purple.

Initially, the term "press on nails" made me think of 80s porn actresses painfully fingering each other, but far be it from me to turn down an opportunity to look cheap for free. Besides, as a disciple of such women as Dolly Parton and Janice "Everything About Me Is Fake...And I'm Perfect" Dickinson, I am NOT into natural beauty. I'll take my synthetic womanly enhancements where I can get 'em.

Remember when Dolly played her acrylic nails on 60 Minutes?

Any excuse to embed that video from now until the end of time.

Anyway, these press-on nails are not the uber-long talons that look best in a deep shade of maroon and wrapped around a Diet Coke of my memories. They are cute and short and come in animals prints and bright colors! And most importantly, moron-proof. Seriously, I cannot do anything remotely complicated when it comes to nail stuff, including those awesome Sally Hansen nail strips that everyone else in this office has effortlessly mastered.

But with these all you do is find the correct size for each nail, lay them out in order, run the included prep pad over your natural nails, then peel and press them on, thumb nails last. I found it easy and weirdly satisfying, like bedding a guy with a girlfriend. WHAT?

Anyway, since I am too uncoordinated to paint my own nails, too busy to wait for someone else to do it, and more than comfortable with being tacky, this is actually sort of a genius solution for me. I am thinking of making it my new "thing," along with polka dots and eating 12 donuts at a time. You like?

I can't tell you yet if they will last a week. My right pinkie currently feels a little weird as I type, but manageable. I anticipate problems shampooing my hair. UPDATE: I'm having some texting issues. I have mistyped "pizza" several times due to the length of my thumb nail. But overall, SOLD! Do you like? Would you consider a press-on manicure?