Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
If y’all read my first post, you already know I’m a weirdo with a little bit of a Peter Pan syndrome. So this should not come as a shock.
I crushed hardcore on animated dudes when I was younger. Why? I really don’t know, but I guess as a kid, crushing on actual people only seemed like it’d be acceptable when I was older. The first real-life crush I can remember developing was on Jonathan Taylor Thomas in “Tom and Huck” (swoon). I was 10.
Wait, I take that back – it was Donnie Wahlberg when I was about six. But I think JTT was second.
I wish I could be like, “What was wrong with me?” But the truth of the matter is that I feel like life gives you very few regret tokens before you start really feeling like a pile of worthlessness, and I don’t want to waste one on this (even though I know at least a couple of my choices warrant it).
Looking back, I think most of my crushing came from these characters’ voices. But also, they each had a personality trait I still require from a romantic partner to this day. I also didn’t realize that until I started writing this, and I’m kind of ecstatic each character embodies a different trait. It makes my job easier.
Without further ado:
Robin Hood: The Hero
I feel like I don’t even have to explain this one, because HELLO, ACCENT. Robin Hood has the sexiest British accent, and puts his life on the line daily. He’s also super witty and sarcastic, and we like that in Jen Land. Robin Hood is also the underdog’s man and helps out animals smaller than he, and I guess that’s a weakness of mine.
And while “athlete” isn’t really on my list of requirements, his archery skills are a total bonus. Like if he was all, “BRB, I’m going to the bathroom” and the bathroom was far away and he heard me screaming because a killer was approaching, he’d be ahead of the game distance-wise.
Whatever, I’m going with it.
Aladdin: The Dreamer
You can’t get much more swagtastic (swaggy? Swagalicious? I don’t know what the kids say, but I know “swag” is in there somewhere) than a dude who totes around a flying carpet, a genie, and a monkey who kinda sorta speaks English the way Ozzy Osbourne speaks Sober.
But even more impressive than this holy trinity is Aladdin’s willingness to dream big and keep an open mind on his journey. I’m not really into the stealing-shit thing, but the fact that he was voiced by Scott Weinger, aka Steve from Full House, makes up for it.
Also, how many men can you claim showed you the whole world in less than three minutes?
Dimitri: The Mysterious One
Now I know this goes against my Disney loyalty, but Don Bluth makes some kickass films: The Secret of NIMH, An American Tail, All Dogs Go to Heaven (I cry for days), and of course, Anastasia.
On a related note, if I have to argue one more time that “Anastasia” isn’t a Disney movie from someone who is OMG 100% SURE IT IS, I think I’ll explode. BITCH, DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THE DISNEY VHS BOXES HAD ROUNDED CORNERS, WHILE ALL OTHER ANIMATED FILMS’ BOX CORNERS WERE SO SHARP THEY COULD DOUBLE AS WEAPONS AGAINST CHEATERS DURING MONOPOLY? Get the F out of here.
So the movie is amazing albeit historically inaccurate, and Dimitri is charming even though you want to hate him because he’s so secretive and deceitful. “I want to have sex with you even though you’re a dick, but I’m not sure why, and maybe there’s a story behind it, and I’ll be what breaks down your walls?” is basically my number-one weakness in men. It’s not right, but I’d never pretend it is.
Max Goof: The Romantic
Let’s talk about Max in A Goofy Movie for a second.
First off, he’s voiced by Jason Marsden, who was one half of one of my first fictional One True Pairings ever.
Secondly, he chances a school suspension to rig an entire assembly just to impress the girl he’s digging. They didn’t show it on screen, but I’m sure her panties were on the floor. I also may have daydreamed that my now-fiancé was going to propose to me in this exact fashion every time “Stand Out” by Tevin Campbell came on my iPod when I was on the treadmill at the gym. Alas, it did not happen, because we are 28 and 30 instead of 14, and he is normal.
So anyway, then, at the end of the movie, he dances on stage with Powerline, aka the Prince of the Disney universe, to impress her yet again. Is there anything he won’t do?
Also, it should be said that I like to think the sequel never happened, and that Max and Roxanne are living happily ever after while Goofy visits his grandson and causes shenanigans with him every day.
I.Q.: The Brains
Usually I don’t do short guys, but at age five I hadn’t developed this unfair opinion yet. Actually, I didn’t develop it until much later, if my aforementioned crushes on Jason Marsden and JTT are any indication.
But let me go further into this, for the young’uns and/or those of you who didn’t eat a lot of fast food.
I.Q. was the smart one in the Burger King Kids’ Club. As a part of this club, you got a cool ID card. And I’m pretty sure that’s it.
One time, at the apartment where my family lived, I wrote “I love I.Q.” on the wall in crayon. I tried to blame my brother because I’m a Slytherin, but he was only three and couldn’t write real words yet, so that mission failed. I had to scrub the wall for like an hour. Lesson #1 learned.
I.Q. is also the reason I lied at the eye doctor so I could get glasses. I regretted it within the week. My mom take me back to the eye doctor the next year, took the test honestly that time, and the doctor proceeded to tell me I had astigmatism for reals. I had to wear glasses for the next five years.
Lesson #2 learned. CRUSHTALITY. I’ll be damned that I.Q. turned out to be an asshole under all that, and I think that was my first case of doing something just for a guy. Also, I will be so bold to say I think Dexter from Dexter’s Laboratory was based on him – he was I.Q., but exposed for his true douchey self.
Roger Rabbit: The Clown
I consider this my weirdest crush, you guys – even weirder than I.Q., due to the fact that he’s a rabbit. I mean, I need a guy with a sense of humor, but in hindsight, Roger Rabbit is not even funny. However, to five-year-old me (a lot of my crushes started when I was five, OK), he was apparently a riot.
Also, he has zero fashion sense. Not that this is a big deal to me now, but I need guys to at least have clothes that fit. Also, he bagged Jessica Rabbit, so there HAD to be something else going on there, right? Maybe we just can’t see it, hey-ohhhh (OK I’m actually grossing myself out now). But really, I have no idea what my deal was. Even as a kindergartener, I could do better.
Looking back, it’s even more disconcerting that half of my animated crushes were also animals. Oh well. To my fiancé, you’re a combination of these. Seriously. You’re welcome.
Did/do you have any animated crushes? Be honest – we’re all friends here.