Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
Had a crappy year? Got nothing done? Yes, you did. Here are 25 things you can absolutely achieve in the remaining hours before the year is definitively over. Then at New Year's Eve parties tonight when people say, "So what did you do in 2014? What was your year like?" you can look them straight in the eye and say, "I learned how to steam salmon in a dishwasher, I bought stamps and I learned a lot about Dump Cakes."
Here are your tasks. Don't let me down.
- Locate the person who has given you the most stress recently in your phone contacts. Change their name to "Seriously What Is Wrong With You?" --or just Swiwwy for short. Congratulations. You have just saved years of therapy.
- Write a breakup letter to a bad habit then light it on fire. ("Dear procrastination, it's time I said goodbye..." or perhaps if you find yourself enjoying the ritual a little too much: "Dear pyromania...")
- At 3:33 p.m., make a wish. (I do this every day. So IT WORKS OBVIOUSLY.)
- Clean your refrigerator. It's disgusting -- and 2015 you doesn't do disgusting. (Oh, and if it's clean, then mess it up. 2015 you doesn't do anal-retentive.)
- Make up for all your aborted creativity. Channel it into a catchy little song you write about the past year. I'll get you started: "2014/ why you gotta be so mean..."
- Eat the most delicious cookie you can find. Ask the person next to you as you are eating the cookie, "What? Do you want a cookie or something?"
- Go into a chain store with new eyes. Pretend this is your first time in America. Ask the clerk to tell you "where the action is."
- Enough skirting the issue. It is finally time to decide once and for all how you really feel about Taylor Swift.
- Order a drink you've never ordered before at Starbucks. As in, the one you normally make fun of other people for ordering. Like, the really, really stupid one with the complicated foam ratio. Do it.
- Put on your sexiest lingerie. Then dance around like a maniac in front of all available mirrors to "You Sexy Thing." Record on your phone as necessary.
- Approach a stranger on the street. Ask, "Have you ever had a secret?" Then walk away.
- Do as many jumping jacks as you can. Or until you reach the number 2,014.
- Rip up a newspaper. Post different clips on a cork board with strings connecting all the various pushpins and finally feel what it's like to be on every crime procedural ever.
- Call your dentist. Leave a message sharing your tooth resolutions.
- Accept that friend request from the relative you've been avoiding. The one you know will like every single picture you've ever posted. Then block/unfriend/unfollow that person who drives you nuts but you're afraid to confront, except look at you, all standing up for yourself.
- Buy stamps. You always need stamps.
- Do something that allows you to quickly and neurotically purge. Like, throw out everything in your bathroom with parabens in it.
- Learn the lingo. Then fail at incorporating "on fleek" into a sentence.
- Be patriotic. Watch "The Interview."
- Cook a new recipe. Here's one: Put salmon in tinfoil in your dishwasher and check it out, you totally just steamed salmon.
- Become a foodie. Here's a trick: Combine a goldfish cracker with a Junior Mint. Tastes exactly like a Thin Mint cookie, right?
- Decide on a signature scent. Mine is hand soap.
- Watch the hilarious "Dump Cakes" infomercial. Then read the tragic "Dump Cakes" customer reviews. While you're at it, see if you are as immature as I am and look at this dude's Twitter. I laughed until I choked on my own tears. (And yes, I found it by seeing who had retweeted #dumpcakes.)
- Learn the secret trick of how to call someone back but not have to talk to them. Really. The call just goes straight to voicemail, with no human interaction required whatsoever.
- Finally get a grip on what a drone is. Weigh the pros and cons of purchasing your very own drone. Go drone window shopping. Ultimately, do not buy a drone.
So, what did I miss? Did I not have enough stuff about "Dump Cakes"?
Find Mandy long-form at http://tinyurl.com/stadtmiller.