This Just In: Stoners Don't Like Being Called Stoners

This is what happens when it rains instead of snows and you're cooped up in your Tahoe cabin for days on end. Plus, a drunken video of me because I have no shame!

One of the first things I learned when I was getting my MFA in Creative Writing was the importance of writing every single day. Even if you don’t feel like it or don’t think you have anything to write about, you’re still supposed to sit down at your desk for a few hours and just write. The theory, I suppose, is about habit and also the idea that if you wait for inspiration to strike, you might be waiting for a long, long time.

I tried to remember that when I had a bit of writer’s block this week. I don’t even necessarily believe in writer’s block, but there it was. I knew that, as the sports editor, I should write about the NCAA tournament, but ugh. So boring! You guys will go read if you needed to figure out how to fill out your brackets.

So then last night, I decided to steal Cat and Julie’s idea and just film some video. After all, talking is so much easier than writing! So I had this great video (or so I thought after a bottle of wine) of my friend lecturing me about how it’s rude to call him a stoner (even though he’s TOTALLY a stoner), but then he told me I couldn’t put it up on the site. Even though he has a prescription for The Pot and it’s all totally legal. Shady shenanigans, I tell you.

So instead of the video, I am going to give you a transcript. Which is not nearly as fun because you don’t get to see my friends struggle with a huge golf umbrella that is opened inside out.

Daisy: So now we’re listening to stoner music?

Friend #1: No! It’s Ziggy Marley.

Daisy: Also known as stoner music…

Friend #1: Why you gotta be so judgmental?

Daisy: I’m not being judgmental.

Friend #1: You ARE being judgmental.

Daisy: Why is that judgmental to say we’re listening to stoner music?!

Friend #1: It’s a judgmental statement.

Daisy: Actual serious question. Why do you think that if I call this stoner music, that I’m judging you?

Friend #1: I feel that way because I feel like the choice of words that you’re using…

Daisy: Stoner and music.

Friend #1: The way you’re using the word “stoner” is very dismissive.

Daisy: But why is that dismissive?

Friend #1: I don’t like it.

Daisy: But why does that bother you?

Friend #2: You know exactly why.

Daisy: No I don’t. I honestly don’t. I used to smoke The Pot. I don’t care.

Friend #1: It’s because you’re being judgmental right now.

Daisy: I do not care that you’re a stoner! At all.

Friend #2: You are so aware of everything. You get this.

Daisy: Ok. I don’t want to be a stoner. That’s a personal choice. But I don’t care if YOU are.

Friend #1: We’re talking about this topic a lot.

Daisy: Because you think I fucking care! I do not care.

Friend #1: This is the second night in a row…

Daisy: Because I talk about you when you’re smoking The Pot. Because it’s hilarious. Just like we’re all blowing in a Breathalyzer to see how drunk we are.

Friend #1: That’s true too, but I don’t call you a drunky.

Daisy: But if you called me a drunk, I don’t care.

Friend #1: Ok, so I do have a little sensitivity to it.

Friend #2: It’s like when you say “stoner,” it’s capital “S” capital “T”…

Friend #1: It’s a negative vibe to put it that way, honestly.

Daisy: Okay. So saying you’re a stoner is negative.

Friend #1: I think it is, yeah.

Daisy: Okay, so how am I supposed to know that?

Friend #2: Because when you call him a stoner and say “stoner,” you’re attaching that label to him. You did it on purpose!

Daisy: No, I didn’t.

Friend #2: Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Daisy, I honestly think you’re fun as hell, but you know exactly what you’re doing always.

Daisy: I 100% stand by everything I say. I also 100% promise that by calling you a stoner am not trying to insult you.

Friend #1: So check it out. “Calling” you something. It’s not about weed. It’s about you calling me something.

Daisy: Right, but you can call me an alcoholic. I wouldn’t get mad at you for it.

Friend #1: But I wouldn’t do that.

Friend #2: We wouldn’t call people anything.

Daisy: (laughing) ‘Cause you’re stoners.

Friend #2: I’m not a stoner.

Daisy: Okay (to Friend #1) would you say you’re stoner?

Friend #1: I’d say yes.

Daisy: So it’s that I’m calling you one?

Friend #1: Exactly.

Daisy: I think you mean “Exacula.”

What is the point of this? There are several:

1. NEVER ARGUE WITH STONERS! First of all, I didn’t even initially call my friend a stoner. I said we were listening to stoner music. WHICH WE WERE.

2. The Pot makes people very sensitive. So only call your stoner friends “stoners” behind their back.

3. The minute someone starts talking about vibes, it’s time to give up and refill your wine glass.

4. Exacula isn’t catching on quite as quickly as I was hoping.

And since I couldn’t show that video, I made this one for you before I went to bed. Sorry it's sideways. Have a great weekend. Say “no” to The Pot. Or don’t. I DON’T CARE EITHER WAY. xx.