I Have Finally Found Inner Peace -- All Thanks to My Bats@%t Life To-Do List Making

This is an actual semi-psychotic "to do list" that I wrote to myself, and I can't tell you how happy it makes me.

Aug 21, 2012 at 10:30am | Leave a comment

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To do: Take a picture with this guy? CHECK.

I don't know why, but I think in numbers and lists. I have no idea why this relaxes me so much, but it always has. It's like clutching a teddy bear super-close at night or going on an Elfa bender at The Container Store or spooning with a newborn puppy. So it will probably come as no surprise that I organize my life experiences, to-do list style, too.

Behold, my friends. An actual life to-do list (written, obvs, with "Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time-Bound" action items, AKA "Smart Goals" here.)

And seriously? I cannot tell you how happy this makes me.

Namaste, motherfucker.

#1 Be the uncoolest person alive.
#2 Dance in the bathroom mirror to Guns N' Roses and then take some pictures of how cute you look.
#3 Love everything you do.
#4 Realize that when you feel like you're on the edge of orgasm -- that antsy feeling you get -- it means you are on the verge of an idea.
#5 Love the bedwetter within.
#6 Know you have enough time.
#7 Get excited about babies.
#8 Get excited about boobies.
#9 Say "fuck it" to The Man.
#10 Buy glasses that give you a personality.
#11 Do the thing you're too tired to do.
#12 Ask the drunk at the bar if he too has ever been fingered in the ass by a Waverly Inn busboy. Expand your query to the bar at large.
#13 Cry in a Burger King, scroll through your phone looking for a solution and eat a Whopper.
#14 Assign a fully realized personality to a miniature horse pinata and a My Little Pony that represent the warring factions of good and evil.
#15 Import every single track from J. Geils Band onto your external hard drive as if your fucking life depends on it.
#16 Say the sweetest things to the most toxic shitheads in your life.
#17 Watch a lot of YouTube.
#18 Own up to the tepid orgies in your life.
#19 Recognize emotional vampires and pat them on the head.
#20 Don't give up.
#21 Find strength in old mix tapes.
#22 Don't be afraid of being overwhelmed.
#23 Do a pole dance.
#24 Be the next big thing.
#25 Listen to old music that precisely communicates a specific memory that breaks your heart, makes you laugh out loud and then fully start crying in the line at Starbucks.
#26 Tell your life story to your hairdresser and find out more about her squirting orgasms.
#27 Don't throw anything away. Things are okay, though.
#28 Think about the specific story behind the guy and the girl who carved their initials in the hand air dryer at the movie theater.
#29 Stop being so fucking scared.
#30 Listen to a little Phil Ochs why don't you.
#31 Expect the best.
#32 Sleep in what you wore last night.
#33 Dress up in costume.
#34 Stop trying to fix assholes.
#35 Be the movie.
#36 Pray for your enemies.
#37 Do something you can't take back.
#38 Remember that one line from the book "Spontaneous Healing" where the doctor says that a person who's about to die still has a lot more right with them than wrong.
#39 Risk.
#40 Don't look back.

WHAT'S ON YOUR LIFE TO-DO LIST? (You have to share!)

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