I Have Finally Found Inner Peace -- All Thanks to My Bats@%t Life To-Do List Making

This is an actual semi-psychotic "to do list" that I wrote to myself, and I can't tell you how happy it makes me.
Publish date:
August 21, 2012
to-do lists, waverly inn, busboys, phil ochs, glasses that give you a personality, fingering

I don't know why, but I think in numbers and lists. I have no idea why this relaxes me so much, but it always has. It's like clutching a teddy bear super-close at night or going on an Elfa bender at The Container Store or spooning with a newborn puppy. So it will probably come as no surprise that I organize my life experiences, to-do list style, too. Behold, my friends. An actual life to-do list (written, obvs, with "Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time-Bound" action items, AKA "Smart Goals" here.) And seriously? I cannot tell you how happy this makes me.

Namaste, motherfucker.#1 Be the uncoolest person alive.#2 Dance in the bathroom mirror to Guns N' Roses and then take some pictures of how cute you look. #3 Love everything you do. #4 Realize that when you feel like you're on the edge of orgasm -- that antsy feeling you get -- it means you are on the verge of an idea. #5 Love the bedwetter within. #6 Know you have enough time. #7 Get excited about babies. #8 Get excited about boobies. #9 Say "fuck it" to The Man. #10 Buy glasses that give you a personality. #11 Do the thing you're too tired to do.#12 Ask the drunk at the bar if he too has ever been fingered in the ass by a Waverly Inn busboy. Expand your query to the bar at large. #13 Cry in a Burger King, scroll through your phone looking for a solution and eat a Whopper. #14 Assign a fully realized personality to a miniature horse pinata and a My Little Pony that represent the warring factions of good and evil. #15 Import every single track from J. Geils Band onto your external hard drive as if your fucking life depends on it. #16 Say the sweetest things to the most toxic shitheads in your life. #17 Watch a lot of YouTube. #18 Own up to the tepid orgies in your life. #19 Recognize emotional vampires and pat them on the head. #20 Don't give up. #21 Find strength in old mix tapes. #22 Don't be afraid of being overwhelmed. #23 Do a pole dance. #24 Be the next big thing. #25 Listen to old music that precisely communicates a specific memory that breaks your heart, makes you laugh out loud and then fully start crying in the line at Starbucks. #26 Tell your life story to your hairdresser and find out more about her squirting orgasms. #27 Don't throw anything away. Things are okay, though. #28 Think about the specific story behind the guy and the girl who carved their initials in the hand air dryer at the movie theater. #29 Stop being so fucking scared. #30 Listen to a little Phil Ochs why don't you. #31 Expect the best. #32 Sleep in what you wore last night. #33 Dress up in costume. #34 Stop trying to fix assholes. #35 Be the movie. #36 Pray for your enemies. #37 Do something you can't take back. #38 Remember that one line from the book "Spontaneous Healing" where the doctor says that a person who's about to die still has a lot more right with them than wrong. #39 Risk. #40 Don't look back. WHAT'S ON YOUR LIFE TO-DO LIST? (You have to share!)


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