I HATE EVERYONE: 5 Things That Cheer Me Up When I Am Being A Jerk

Other items that perk me up include ice coffee the size of my head, and all of the cookies that there are.
Publish date:
June 17, 2013
babies, animals, etsy, YouTube, lists, unicorns, i heart unicorns, mood lifters

I’m not a naturally unhappy person. I find being happy to be “the business,” to coin a phrase. When I wake up in the morning, nothing would bring me greater joy than to roll out of bed singing as birds flock to me, bringing me coffee and the latest bits of celebrity gossip. I trot down the sidewalks of my neighborhood, a veritable song in my heart, smiling and waving at everyone person I happen across, like David Bowie before me.

Sadly, though the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak. It’s easy to wake up feeling like a grumpus (that’s the clinical definition for being a whiny, irritating, angry, bitch for no apparent reason, just so we’re all on the same page). I have entire days where I wish I were English just so I could be described as being in a strop. There really doesn’t seem to be an appropriate Americanism for “silly, bad mood." So lieu of trying to find one (an Americanism or an English person), I typically opt for a day spent glowering at all and sundry until I snap out of it.

If you’re spending the day on your own, it’s fine to be a total cow, all kicking your own personal belongings and yelling at a spoon for having the audacity to tumble madly from your bowl of “breakfast ice cream” onto your begging cat’s very furry face.

But often, we have to go out into the world and do things like “our jobs” or “picking up our prescription butt creams” and then, your bad attitude runs the risk of slapping innocent bystanders full in the face-meats. Which is less than okay -- UNLESS THEY HAD IT COMING.

If I’m pissy and I know I have to go and face the masses, I try to do my best to bolster my spirits. I’ve compiled a list of 5 things that are on my Go-To list if I need to be made quickly happy. For my days of crippling anxiety and depression I have another list, but since that one contains only three relatively humorously items (masturbation, prescription drugs, a psychiatrist) I figured we’d stick with this one for now.

1.) Woola.

Did you see "John Carter"? No. No you did not. It was poorly promoted, and as such, cruelly ignored by the movie-going public. You should probably rectify that situation. Go rent it now. Yes, it’s a hilarious sci-fi romp, but more important BIG TIM RIGGINS IN A LOIN CLOTH TALKIN' LIKE JOHN WAYNE. And, even more importantly than that -- THERE IS A SIX-LEGGED ALIEN DOG CREATURE NAMED WOOLA WHO IS MY DREAM PET. One look at Woola’s ridiculous face, and my scowl is replaced with a grin.

2.) This Piece of Hulk Art on Etsy

Not so long ago, I moved my bed from one side of my room to the other. In the process I found the revealed wall in desperate need of “arting.” I took to the Etsy where an innocuous search for something like “horizontal wall art blue” revealed unto me this fan drawing of Marc Ruffalo as the Hulk. Whitney Houston was wrong -- the greatest love of all? It’s Hulk fan art.


I was on the hunt for a showerhead to replace the one in my bathroom for ages. My landlord had taken out our industrial prison-hose-like shower head last year and replaced it with an environmentally friendly low-flow head. If saving the environment means living in a world where my private wet naked cleaning time is marred by the feeling that my scalp is being slowly saturated by the spit of an old man, then let the earth burn.

While I eventually bought a brutally awesome Water Pik, the rainbow led shower head pictured above was a contender for obvious reasons. The image included with this rainbow shower head fills my soul with wonder still.

4.) This Baby

Yeah, yeah, I know. Cute babies. Whatever. By and large, I look at photos of them and I’m all “Ooohhhhh woooow baby,” much in the way people forced to look at photos I’ve taken of food that looks like people I know react when I inflict said images upon them. BUT BUT BUT. That was before I saw this genius baby singing the Beatles “Don’t Bring Me Down.” Frankly, this one is almost counterproductive, because I get sucked into watching it over and over again and then don’t leave my house.

5.) Younicorn Me.

This is an App that turns you, your dad, your friends, and your cat even into unicorns. I won’t waste any more of your time explaining how that is awesome, you’ve already spent too much of your life not downloading it IMMEDIATELY.

What are you quick mood-boosters? What embarrassing slash amazing stuff do you do to get yourself back into chipper spirits? TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME.