Are Bangs Still a Thing? Well I Got 'Em

I got BANGS, ya'll, and after leaving the salon yesterday, I was almost certain my entire life was over.
Publish date:
February 8, 2012
hair, bangs, fear of bangs, how to wear bangs

If you're anything like me, you're in constant fear of going bald.

When I was kid someone explained god to me with this simple remix of

Luke 12:7

: "He knows exactly how many hairs are on your head." Perhaps that awes children who read at their current grade level into piety, but for first-grader-stunting-them-hoes-at-a-fourth-grade-reading-level Helena that ish just didn't make sense.

"No, that's impossible," I said, very proud of my use of vocab word. "I've got way too much hair."

In my mind, god could very easily count the strands on some poor thin-haired person's head, but for me, the girl who made cheap plastic combs tremble, god would have to put in some real over time in the omniscence department.

But just in case, like Samson before me I've always considered the stuff growing out of my head to be sacred in its way. If I yanked a hair out of boredom, would god notice? Would he smite me? Make me bald because I didn't deep condition last week? And how exactly would he feel about this:

I got


, ya'll, and despite "smizing" in this picture I am totally freaking the freak out. Religious affiliations with hair aside (see also yarmulke, hijabs, "dreaded locks"), after leaving the salon yesterday I was almost certain my entire life was over. Consider this conversation I had with my best friend:


: I'm ruined!


: What the hell are you talking about?


: BANGS! That's what.


: What are you 12? Send me a picture.

So, I took this:

And then she said this: "OK OK it doesn't look THAT bad. You won't have to wear a wig or anything." Some might think this harsh but the two of us will be shopping for wedding dresses (hers) soon. Plus, this is why I told her first (before my boyfriend even) because I needed that unfiltered advice you only get from women who've seen you in a non-ironic



I was going for a

Carrie Mulligan


Diana Ross

look. "Modern retro vintage" were my buzz words but now I'm wondering if a random string of vocab weaves a reliable safety net at the hair salon. What do you think?

Does my new 'do say, "Hey, I'm wearing a hair helmet!" or "Heeeey, I moonlight as a super hero." You be the judge -- in a very non-judgey way. Either way I'm sorta getting used to the Liza Minnelli moment currently happening north of my eyebrows. But what do you even DO with bangs that are too short to feather and too long to spike?