Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
Firstly, Hanging Out By Yourself is different to Going On A Date With Yourself. The former is what happens when you have time alone and is perfectly normal. The latter is a construct designed to patronise single people, conjuring images of someone sitting in the cinema desperately snogging themselves.
Secondly, upon waking and discovering friends, fancymen/women, and family are otherwise engaged, it’s all too easy to make lazy onesie-focused decisions because you’ve forgotten that going to the pub, having a proper nice lunch or going to see a film alone is even an option.
For example: I recently spent my day off conducting a gastronomic experiment (someone told me that if you eat a bag of prunes and drink loads of water they rehydrate in your stomach and you feel really weird. I’ve always thought they were lying. Turns out they were not lying and I looked like a hot air balloon for about 16 hours), before watching Sam Rockwell movies in my pants and tweeting things like “Hey would you rather have boobs for eyes or eyes for boobs?”
This is an excellent way to pass the time on the odd occasion, but by midnight I started to suspect I may have wasted the day. This is why I have begun to learn the art of Hanging Out -- laziness is okay in small doses, but if you’re bored to death, it will inevitably turn into Freaking Out.
So, don’t just sit around internally rehydrating prunes -- here are some tips on learning to let go in a few non-threatening potential Hanging Out situations.
NB: Museums, galleries and leisure centres do not feature here because they were essentially invented for Hanging Out By Yourself. The Cinema was almost left out but, after light research, it became clear that there are some who fear facing the silver screen alone.
The advanced tutorial includes: theme parks, birthdays, nightclubs, Christmas, holidays abroad and dance classes that specify you need to sign up in pairs.
It’s dark, loads of people go to the cinema alone and the whole point is you’re not supposed to talk to anyone. This is basically the gateway drug of Hanging Out By Yourself.
1. You don’t have to share popcorn. You don’t even have to eat popcorn. If you’re hanging out by yourself, why not go to one of those posh cinemas where you can take in a barbecued ribeye and salad garnish or whatever?
Why not take a barbecue in? To hell with fire regulations! This is Hanging Out By Yourself Time! (Don’t take a barbecue in because fire regulations are important regardless of what time it is.)
2. You don’t have to issue of getting stuck with a cinema-friend who asks stupid things like, “who’s xxxx? ” and, “I need the loo,” and, “I can’t see the film through the barbecue smoke.”
3. Arrive exactly on time so you don’t have to faff around waiting in the foyer for ages. Because that sort of Hanging Out By Yourself is really boring.