Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
A few weeks ago, The Huffington Post shared with its readers “6 Things All Grown-Ups Have in Their Homes.” Apparently being a grown-up is a lot more complicated than just getting older because ALL grown-ups have these things in their home. If you don't, I think that means you're not, in fact, a grown-up. Even if you're, like, 70.
1. A Dining Room Table That Fits
Not just a dining room table, mind you, but one that “fits” which is a very specific calculation (36 inches wide with 42 inches of clearance and holy cow, are you kidding me?). I’m assuming my dining room table that’s now just my desk doesn’t pass.
2. A Daring Color Combination That Works
According to the author, “If there's one thing most pulled-together women have in common, it's an uncanny knack for choosing bold colors that make guests wonder, "How did you know those would work so well together?" Seriously. I have orange, yellow, and green pillows on my brown sofa, but no one’s ever commented on them, so I guess I’m failing there.
3. A Grown-Up Rug That Ties Everything Together
Not a rug, a GROWN-UP rug. Mine was definitely a grown-up rug at one point, but since that was in the 1970s when my mom designed it, years before my ex-boyfriend spilled a huge glass of red wine all over it, I’m going to assume mine doesn’t pass.
4. The Trim That Mimics High-End Style
What? No. I don’t even know what this means.
5. The Organizational Lifesaver That Only You Know About
So you’re a grown-up, but you’re also a jerk who doesn’t share her secrets. Boo.
6. The “This is Me” Item That Shows You Know Who You Are
"That could mean turning a drum into a side table, like Home Made Simple designers did for one jazz aficionado," she says. But I don’t need a weird side table made out of drums to show people that I know I'm a grown-up. I do that by… wait for it: being an age that is defined as "grown up." Although, ugh, I totally have a side table that looks like a drum. DAMMIT.
My Total Grown-Up Points: 0/6.
I mean, I’m actually fine with that because even though I’m technically a grown-up, I don’t feel like one except that I pay my rent and bills on time, get my teeth cleaned every six months, and only forget to take my birth control pill on occasion. But also: I don’t want “high-end trim” to be what makes me a grown-up. I’m a grown-up because I can -- and DO -- eat cookies for breakfast if and when I want to. I mean, that’s why we suffer through childhood, right? So that we can eat Doritos at 10:30 a.m. without anyone telling us not to?
That being said, I decided to take a crack at what I think makes a home a place where a “grown-up” lives. These are just my ideas; leave yours (with pictures, please!) in the comments.
1. A Cute Pill Box
I mean, you can’t be a grown-up these days without a prescription for something, right? And it’s so much more fun take your uppers/downers/mood stabilizers/vitamins “Valley of the Dolls” style.
I went to the dark side and got a Kindle. I am obsessed with it, but the one thing I miss is the feel and smell of books. Luckily, I have my old favorites in my bedroom to comfort me at night. (Books > Boys.)
3. Something a Family Member Gave You
My oldest brother gives the best gifts, like this ammunition container that he spray-painted with snow-inspired designs.
My other brother is a fantastic photographer so I keep this Sutro Tower photo in my bedroom where I can enjoy it all of the time (since I’m really lazy and spend a lot of time in bed).
4. Something Living
Succulents are an awesome choice because they are really hard to kill. Believe me, I've tried.
I made this! I probably shouldn't be *quite* so proud of that.
5. A Jewelry Box
My mother used to tell me that having a jewelry box was a bad idea because then robbers know exactly where to look for your valuables. I feel it’s silly to live my life as though I am going to get robbed. Having a jewelry box means I can see what I have and actually wear it.
6. "Serious" Art
I grew up loving this pensive girl and was so happy when my mom gave her to me for my apartment.
7. Art a Friend Made
My friend Eric Ulrich is an amazing artist. This is photographs and acrylic on canvas. The photographs are of Ocean Beach at sunrise and sunset on the same day. The acrylic paint on top represents a heart-breaking Norwegian folk tale that I’ll tell you one day when you come over for wine. (Wine is so very grown-up after all.)
8. Art That's Just For Fun
9. A Cookie Jar
Where else are you going to keep your breakfast?
10. A Vacuum
Preferably one that does the heavy lifting for you. (Seriously, I really feel like the day I got my first “big girl” vacuum was when I knew I’d come of age. My mom gave it to me for Christmas. I ran home and spent the rest of the afternoon “doing” my baseboards. Christmas didn't suck that year. Except it did! Sorry. Sorry!)
11. A Wine Opener
And a back-up wine opener. And a back-up for the back-up. And so on.
12. Someone to Share It All With
Whether it’s friends who come over to watch bad TV, a significant other you live with, or just an adorable Monkey who sheds a lot, drools even more, and follows you around from room to room, what’s the point of being such a Grown-Up, if you don’t get to enjoy it with another being?
So what makes your home a "grown-up" home? Someone say your vibrator. I know you're dying to.