Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
The Mile High Club; surely one of the greatest myths of sex and, indeed, air travel, and to my mind, the most revolting proposition imaginable. I mean, have you BEEN in a plane toilet? Frankly, unless sex in a confined space that reeks of urine and disposed nappies is what does it for you - in which case, have at it - membership of the Mile High Club is only marginally less odious to me than signing up to the Nick Griffin Appreciation Society.
I don't know whether in the 60s, when this whole Mile High myth was created, plane toilets were luxurious affairs, decked out with flowers, chaise longues and plenty of sturdy areas for bending over/balancing on, but the modern airplane loo is not a sexy place.
Redolent with the anxious farts of a dozen previous inhabitants, the floor splashed with god knows how many different men's wrongly-aimed streams, dear reader, this does not scream, "do me like there's no tomorrow". It's also the worst kind of selfish sex, banging away when you know there's a little old lady outside with a gippy tummy, desperate to use the loo.
So may I suggest a genuinely saucy and utterly un-selfish alternative; riding the rails. Overnight trains are naturally sexy; those curvy carriages, the private compartments, the gentle back-and-forth rock and the one-two-one-two rattle of the wheels on the track...
'Alright,' I hear you cry, 'We are so onboard with this, we want to make like Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay in Risky Business. Tell us which train to leap aboard right now!'
Alright then... For a four-night epic trip across the second biggest country in the world; spotting moose, the jaw-clanging stunning scenery of the Rocky Mountains, waterfalls and endless prairies on the way, try a trip on The Canadian between Toronto and Vancouver.
At the start of my sexy train adventure
Go Sleeper Plus class for a double bed, good food and an 86-hour journey. Plenty of time to rock those rails.
Leaving on a silvery Amtrak train, from one of their huge, romantic stations, starts the trip off in just the right mood. Go from the Big Apple to the Big Easy on the Crescent. Curl up, shut the world out for 30 hours in a Viewliner Bedroom apartment. You get meals included and it has its own private shower and loo.
..and the train goes into the tunnel. THIS IS A METAPHOR FOR SEX.
For something closer to home, my favourite overnighter is the Elipsos from Paris to Barcelona. Alas, you'll have to snuggle up in a single as all the majority of European trains have bunks, but it leaves at night so you get all afternoon to noodle around Paris, then a late dinner (with foie gras and cava!) as you hurtle through the French countryside, with the sky turning dark around you, and so, to bed...
MORE TRAIN SEX TUNNEL METAPHORS
For a blow-out luxury cruise-like train experience, the Transcantabrico whizzes across northern Spain on narrow-gauge tracks. You can book an 8-day tour from Santiago to San Sebastian in the Basque country. Fine wines, amazing food and a plush double bed awaits, but lots of stopping and going off on excursions. Not so shagtastic, maybe good for long-term relationship types who need distraction.
Nikki is tweeting, sometimes about trains, sometimes not @nikkibayley