Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
I would like to announce to all and sundry media outlets and also my parents that I, Sara Benincasa, am fully prepared to pose naked for photos. For money. Lots and lots of delicious money.
Recently, a gentleman inquired via Tumblr whether I would ever pose naked in photographs. Was he masturbating when he made the query? We cannot say for sure, but my bet is on "duh." Anyway, instead of dismissing his question as gross or unseemly, I decided to give it real thought. And after careful consideration, I'm pleased to announce that my answer is, "Fuck yes! For SHITLOADS of money!"
Now, I recognize I'm not someone you might expect to see nude on your website or magazine cover. I'm not a skinny gal. I'm short and I've got big tits and big hips and a belly. You might call me "zaftig" if you were feeling Jewy, or "curvy" if you were feeling euphemistic, or "bitch who needs to lose some lbs" if you were feeling evil.
I don't look like an American Apparel model or a Playboy model or any kind of model, really. I mean, I guess I wouldn't look out of place modeling an organic biodynamic owl sweater vest on Etsy. But other than that, I don't know where my modeling talents might be used.
But just in case someone offers me lots of money to pose nude, I'm trying. I'm making an effort over here in my pajamas in the middle of the day. You know what I had for breakfast today? A kale-pineapple-almond milk smoothie that I made myself, in my very own kitchen here in Los Angeles, California. And you know what I did last week? Joined a gym! Have I exercised yet? No, of course not, but I've thought about it, and that's what counts.
And if I were engaged in the service of posing naked for a magazine or Internet site or what have you, I would surely cut down my usual three bowls a day of Special K to, like, two and a half bowls. And I'd trim a little bit of my ladyfur -– you know, the "thighburns" that make it look like you're wearing the head of Fonzie between your legs? I'd cut those down. I like to trim the hedges now and again to show the property lines, anyway.
What I'm saying is I'm not willing to work hard for it.
Unless it's a shitload of money.
For 10 grand, I'd do the stuff highlighted above, and nothing more. Some intern with Photoshop could make me look hot, so who gives a fuck. And 10 grand don't go very far these days, baby. Plus, I'd only show my boobs. I'd trim the beav just for the hell of it, but I wouldn't show it.
But let's say it were more money.
Let's say it were 20 grand –- more than enough to pay off my student loan debt and credit card debt and pay my $500-a-month medication bill for awhile. For that, I'd lose 10 pounds, fast. I live in LA, so there are plenty of creepy doctors who can give me terrible pills and plenty of creepy bootcamps to suck out my soul, so losing 10 pounds shouldn't be a problem. I might die doing it, but not before I collect my sweet, sweet naked money.
I might show the beav for 20 grand, but I know for sure I'd show it for 30. So, let's say it were 30 grand. For 30 grand, I'd do all of the above, plus lose an additional five pounds and get my asshole bleached and definitely show the beaver, which would be waxed to leave a lovely landing strip. I would also deep condition my hair, which would mean I'd have to sit in the shower for like an extra 10 minutes. Time is money, people.
Now you may think I am joking, because I am a comedian and we are full of lies. However, I am in fact being totally honest. And I'm willing to negotiate on all these factors! I'm not lazy or anything –- I'm working on three, count 'em, three freaking book projects right now, plus trying to write an original pilot because that's what you are required to do in order to live in the city of Los Angeles, plus doing stand-up at various places (including Chicago's Laugh Factory the evening of Sunday, December 30th! 30-minute set! Hurricane Sandy benefit! C'mon out, Chi-town! If you tell me you are an xoJane lady, I will drink with you and also hug you and also tell you about this one time me and Mandy Stadtmiller and our friend Heather Fink stayed overnight in a big suite in the Plaza Hotel and ate oysters and candy and Mandy was dressed like Eloise, also.)
I've made a list of some of the media outlets that might take some time out to offer me money to pose nude. This is by no means a comprehensive list! Just the big ones, you know, the places where everybody goes to see hot chicks naked.
The old standard. The granddaddy. My pal posed naked for Playboy and her pictures are out-of-this-world hot. Another friend got offered 50 grand to pose, and I really really wanted her to, but she decided it wasn't in her best interest. I've decided it's in my best interest.
They gave my book, "Agorafabulous!," a great review! Surely they would also give my butt a great review.
3.) Mother Jones.
The great journalistic entity of the far far far Left. Respectable. Lovable. Used to carry my role model Molly Ivins's work. Did Molly Ivins ever pose nude for them? No, but that's just because she had more integrity than I do.
4.) The Economist.
Basically Playboy for capitalism, The Economist gives businessmen and news junkies around the world boners with its thoughtful, reasoned arguments for why money is awesome. I agree! Give me some of it so I can flash a tit in a foldout special section!
5.) Field and Stream.
Some people are really into fishing. Other people are really into deer hunting. But it's those who crave the sight of a fine furry beaver pelt who will truly enjoy my outdoorsy spread (LITERALLY!) for this fine periodical.
Alright, fire away with your suggestions for other places I might grace with my non-ideal BMI. And feel free to Tweet at these various establishments to encourage them to put my naked ass in their recipes section or whatever. I'd also love to know if YOU would pose naked for the right amount of dinero.