Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
I’ve been flying a lot lately. I’m pretty good about entertaining myself while I'm in the air, whether it’s connecting to wifi and working, watching a movie, or taking a serious catnap. But the last flight I took might have gone down in the books as the most boring air time ever -- drunk dude behind me and kid who got stuck in the airplane bathroom during landing aside. That’s a whole different level of entertainment right there.
I had already watched all of the current in-flight movies once, if not twice ("Tammy" three times!) and had read the in-flight magazine front-to-back twice. There was no wifi, and I had just cancelled my Spotify subscription, so no music offline. The only thing left for me to do was flip through the infamous SkyMall catalog.
I laughed, I cried (from laughing so hard) and I decided that it was only fitting to put together a last-minute gift guide featuring the "best" of what I found.
For the dude concerned about his torso shape: Torso Toner Body Shaper for Men, $60
I personally don’t know too many males that are overly concerned with their midriff area -- at least not to the point where they’d want to buy shapewear. But in case you do know someone on your Christmas list looking to have a makeshift washboard stomach, SkyMall has a male-specific body-shaping garment. According to a reviewer, it’s “a great item for removing a gut bulge.”
Instead of giving him a gym membership or something that actually makes sense, you can give him this claustrophobia-inducing shapewear that can potentially make him look up to two sizes smaller. And don’t worry, it comes in beige, black and white, in case he’s picky.
For Kenny Powers: Seabreacher Customized Boat, $85,000
Kenny Powers would totally buy this boat, which can go underwater, making it worth every single penny.
If you or someone you know has one of these, I need to see a photo of you -- and you better have a mullet of some sort. I’d also like to come ride in your absurd shark to see what that life is all about.
For the wine "expert" in your family (because every family has one): Wine Bottle Glass, $19.95
It holds an entire bottle of wine. Do I need to say anything more? Good, because there’s not really much more to say, other than it’s pretty ridiculous... ly awesome.
For anyone who likes bacon (so pretty much everyone): Bacon Scented T-Shirt, $19.60
Know someone who likes bacon? Well, duh, get them this T-shirt that smells like crispy bacon cooking in the kitchen from up to six feet away. According to the reviews, a customer claimed that it smelled "genuine" -- no faux-bacon scent here.
The downfall: You’ll need to get them a replacement after 20 washes, because the smell will eventually expire.
For the gymaholic who doesn’t really want to sweat: FitDesk v2.0 Pedal Laptop Desk, $299.99
I always get super-annoyed when I’m on the treadmill, being all aggressive and sweating my ass off, and next to me is a lady walking slow -- I mean real slow -- while gossiping about last night’s shenanigans. If she were my friend, I’d be giving her this machine. OK, probably not considering it’s $300, but it’s the thought that counts.
Back to this contraption, which was created to improve cardiovascular health while working, reading, playing video games, etc. That’s great and all, but have you ever tried to read a magazine while working out? I have, and it’s nearly impossible, unless you’re going as slow as said lady above. I can’t imagine typing on a laptop either. But different strokes for different folks. Maybe you’re into soft-pedaling while writing some emails to your boss.
For your newly adopted cat: Serenity Cat Pod, $1,000
The product description opener reads, “Treat your pampered pet to the ultimate luxury experience by having them float away on a cloud-like bed into a bliss state with calming color-changing light.” It apparently blocks out 90% of noises and helps your kitty get the best sleep ever.
But wait, there’s more! It was designed by the pod designer of Men in Black 3. If you’re not sold yet…
For the person who wants to sit in a guacamole bowl: Fire Burning Portable Hot Tub, $3,999
I’m obsessed with guacamole and have always wondered what a giant tub of guacamole would look like. I imagine very similar to this. If someone gave this to me, I’d fill it with guac -- or better yet, maybe some queso dip since it warms up -- and throw the world’s best Cinco de Mayo party.
It seems like a pretty cool gift idea if you have money to toss around. It would make camping a lot more pleasurable, too. Or you could just bring it with you on road trips and pop it up on the side of the road whenever you please. It might take up to 90 days to get it though, so don’t bank on seeing it by the 25th.
For the kid who likes jumping and hot dogs: Jumping Hot Dog, $44.99
According to SkyMall, if your kid likes jumping and hot dogs, then they’ll love this toy. It supposedly helps in developing balance and coordination skills, but I think it was created as a sick joke. There’s something so wrong about a clueless child bouncing around on a hot dog, although the kid in the picture does seem pretty stoked about it.
For the bug-phobe whose significant other is out of town a lot: Bug Vacuum, $59.95
I’m not lying when I say I’d be stoked to get this as a gift -- I kill bugs via Aqua Net hairspray showers. I’m frightened of bugs jumping on my skin, so squashing them in a less painful way with my shoe or a napkin is not an option. This contraption would make it a lot easier, as it suctions to the bug-infested area and then sucks them into the body of the vacuum.
For anyone on your list, really: Pierogi Ornament, $9.95
I mean, who wouldn’t want a golden pierogi ornament?! It’s not a top-selling SkyMall item for nothing.
For myself (after a third helping at Christmas dinner): Jeans Lounge Pants, $22.95
I really need these pants in my life. I can’t think of anything better than making people think that my cool jeans with a faux rip are still comfortable after overindulging at dinner. Sign me up for anything that has “forgiving stretch” to it.
What about you guys? Any SkyMall favorites that I’m missing here? Have you ever actually ordered from SkyMall?