Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
I'm only doing this because I love Jane magazine, and I loved Sassy before that, and obviously, I just love Jane. I'm really glad that she's returned to us. I kind of want to slam Jezebel, but I won't. I'll save it. Because otherwise the Gawker people will torture me for the next two weeks. Because Jezebel I used to read, but then they do slut shaming. Jane is anti-shame. Pro-slut.
I'm not going to lie, yes, my life is pretty much in chaos right now. And that's exactly why it's a perfect time to write a column for my friend. Here. For you. Every week or so. Ish. It's a test of sorts. Can I do it?
I'm in Istanbul right now, and before I left, I didn't even know where Istanbul was. I'd never even seen a picture of Istanbul. And Michael Stipe -- who called me from Istanbul before I left -- said this Istancool festival we're involved with is kind of a five-star summer camp. He said that Tilda Swinton took him by the hand and said, "This is how I've always dreamed it would be." And they're looking at crazy ruins.
I don't really know Turkey. I do LA, UK, South of France. I've been to the Hamptons twice. I'm not sure. It might not be potentially legal for me to go the Hamptons. I get Malibu. I've lived in Malibu. I wrote a song called "Malibu." I don't understand the Hamptons. I feel like it's the band Muse. I've never gotten into Muse. You can't just listen to one song. I'm like 8 albums behind. I will someday do the Muse thing. I was speaking to Chris Martin about two years ago about Muse, and I said, "You know, I'm going to hold that. I'll put a pin in it." Because I want to give them the respect that they deserve.
I just finished a book on the Gilded Age so I kind of understand it more. The Hamptons, that is. It's a catalogue that I will open up at a later point in my life. So much is going on in Turkey it's wacky. And then we're going to Italy. We're going to the Biennale in Venice, Italy, where I've only been once with Jane and Frances because we chartered a plane from Milan to London because me and Donatella got in a fight many years ago so me, Frances and Jane landed in the freezing cold. You think of romantic canals? Try being freezing. We had no sweaters, no coats, and the plane lands, it was a disaster, and then we got out of there the next day, and I just needed a sleeping pill, and there's no pharmacies open. All I know about Venice is that there's one pharmacy open till noon. Jane remembers that trip quite well.
You have to RSVP "yes" to everything you get invited to in Turkey. Michael said that the way to have fun is to say yes to everything. I'm completely being a tourist. And he's never gone either. And the kid who's putting on this Istancool thing, he said it's like a five-star summer camp, but it can't be that five-star because they made me take business on the flight over. I haven't taken business in so long. I just haven't. So five-star...I don't know, you know? Turkish Airlines. I'm still a little bit freaky on that one. It's like I've never been there, and Michael's doing it, Terry Gilliam's doing it, Ryan McGinley's doing it. It's like a TED -- but kind of a glam TED thing. The kid organizing it asked me if I read books. He actually asked me that on Twitter.
Yes, I still have a secret account on Twitter. I just do it because some people you can only communicate with that way. They don't text, they just Twitter. Like my stylist or Dave Navarro. Twitter isn't so good for me. The grammar, having the limited characters. I'm not good with brevity. I have a standing offer with the LA Times to write an Op/Ed anytime if it was under 2,000 words. And I have tried, and I have failed. I have even written about subjects as mundane as hybrid rose maintenance, and I have failed on the brevity thing. It was 3,000 words by the time I had looked. I'm not really good with brief. So this is a good way. Blogging. I trust Jane, and this is a good way to have a little voice, and I have a pretty adventuresome, chaotic life, and maybe the lesson is to have the voice in the chaos. It's kind of like a coffee commitment at an AA meeting, though. If you don't show up, you get really embarrassed.