CAKE CAKE CAKE: 5 Things That Would Be Better If They Were Cake

Although I have it on good authority that pies do not solve everything, I for one have a very seriously challenging time believing it.
Publish date:
March 26, 2013
wtf, lists, candy, comfort food, cake

The first lie I ever told was about cookies.

“Miranda ate mine,” I said to my mom after carefully licking clean my teeth of the evidence that my sister had, as instructed, given me two Oreos and kept two for herself.

Though not engaged or dating, I have had very real conversations with people about making a Willy Wonka themed wedding a reality if only to somehow validate a lifelong dream of having a river of chocolate installed in my home.

I am not good at numbers. I still have my baby brother figure out the tip on our bill when we go out to eat. But when presented with a How Many Candies Are In The Jar contest at the age of eight, I did not hesitate: “SEVEN THOUSAND AND EIGHT.” I won the prize. The prize was the candy.

I cannot be presented with a box of chocolate without the giver understanding that I will eat of all it. This will happen immediately. It will happen in their presence. It will happen without me breaking eye contact. So provided you are down with that, please, gift away.

You know how sometimes there’s shitty chocolate? The kind with weird stale boozy flavors or unexpected fillings that you take one bite of and then are all, “Eeeew!” or, “So not worth the calories!” and then you throw it away?

Yeah. Me neither.

Somebody has a candy dish, even if it’s full of like, sugar-free butterscotches I narrow my eyes and go, “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, YOU NASTY DELIGHTS.”

Although I have it on good authority that pies do not solve everything, I for one have a very seriously challenging time believing it.

This is because desserts are the best. Whether or not you agree with me (and I can hear the rumblings from the strictly-savory crowd e’en as we speak) is of little consequence. What truly matters is that a group of dedicated, right-minded designers and business folks have taken their passion for dessert to the next level: A HOTEL MADE OF CAKE.

Here are five other things that would be better if they were cakes:

1.) All Other Foods

Chicken? Sure, that’s a flavor you could eat -- until your face melts off like a Nazi in an Indiana Jones movie FROM THE BOREDOM. Beets? Nature’s candy? More like nature’s fetid ass ghost. (I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.) Artichokes? Got choke in the name. Pita chips? More like, “Uh oh, somebody ruined bread, time to scam the nation!” You could eat all these things, because of food group based science, or you could just eat cakes in the shape of these foods.

2.) Beds

Beds, traditionally, are made to sleep on, boink in, and to watch every season of "Pretty Little Liars" all during one Saturday. Since we spend 45% of our lives in bed (a statistic I have just made up) wouldn’t that time be better spent with lemon frosting in our cracks and easy access to fistfuls of sponge cake? I REST MY CA(KE)SE.

3.) Animals.

Animals are awesome. Cakes are delicious. Put those two together, what do you get? Sentient, adorable, awesome, and delicious. Those are also adjectives you could use to describe the Musical Stylings of Usher, Usher is awesome, ergo, CAKE ANIMALS FOR PRESIDENT.

4.) Usher

The Hot Tottie video would be so good if in the video Usher was just a cake on a plate. <3 u, Cake Usher!

5.) Various And Sundry Means of Conveyance

Buses? Full of people who are angry -- until you turn that bus into a cake. Then it is magically transformed into a lot of people who angry and sitting on a cake. Minivans got you down? NOW IT’S A CAKE. Fear of flying? GOOD -- because cakes ain’t got wings. Worried you’ll never be able to travel anywhere unless you can get there by foot? Please see number 3.

What things would you like to turn into cakes? Are you allergic to cakes? Did you have to read "A Chocolate Touch" in school? Were you like, "This bullshit isn’t fooling me!"? Because it was anti-chocolate propaganda, right?