Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
I feel like I must apologize dear readers, for I have not exactly been "on it" in terms of Oreo Journalism.
By now, you may have already made your mind up about the Brownie Batter Oreo, the limited-edition sandwich cookie that Nabisco released last month without sending me a package. (They have since remedied this.)
This shouldn't have mattered that much, but it would appear that my steady stream of free Oreos has made me soft, and it took me a full month to obtain these precious jewels.
Maybe it's too late for this review, but I'm pretty full of hubris when it comes to my Important Oreo Opinions, so I figure better late than never. Also, I disagree with pretty much everything I've read on this cookie, and the people need to know! But we'll get to that in a moment, first we're going to talk about my struggle.
I was actually out of town when the Brownie Batter Oreo was released, helping to take care of some of my younger cousins (my aunt just had her fourth). There I was, minding my own business, changing diapers and watching episodes of The Thundermans when all of social media (okay, like three people) erupted with news of Oreo's latest.
I'm not going to lie, I felt like a damn fool. I felt like a fake. How could I have missed these? Was I slipping? I was quickly brought back to reality when my two year old cousin started yelling at me for not sharing my Coke Zero and the five year-old started doing handstands right next to the sleeping newborn.
I had to go to the grocery store anyway, so I decided to grab a pack of these chocolaty cookies that evening, but they were not to be found. I went home defeated and deflated but quickly forgot about my failure. Existing in a house with four children really changes your priorities.
A full week later, I tried again, this time going to Super Target (7-year-old in tow), because Super Target always has novelty Oreos.
But once again, it was not meant to be. (I did however, get some excellent stinky cheese.)
"This is why I hate Super Target," my young cousin said. "Everyone goes to the Super Target instead of the regular Target and that's why Super Target never has anything good." (She is so wise.) I returned to the house empty-handed, resigned to the fact that this particular bit of Oreo journalism would have to wait until I got back to Portland.
Further disappointment awaited me in Oregon. They weren't at Target. They weren't at QFC. I finally broke down and emailed Brittany (my Oreo contact). She was very sweet and sent me a package overnight. Of course, literally an hour after I sent her the email, I found them at Fred Meyer. So, if you're in Oregon, that's where to buy them.
Anyway. I have them now. They are mine. And I have thoughts about them. There's no need to discuss the cookie, as it's the classic chocolate wafer, this Oreo is all about the creme.
The most noticeable thing about the creme is the overwhelming smell that hits you when you first open the package, which is less like brownies and more like a brownie-scented candle or body wash one might purchase as a tween at Bath & Body Works. As someone who is not above a cloying candle (especially in the fall), I did not find this to be unpleasant.
The flavor is reminiscent of a brownie, but one of those prepackaged ones with frosting and little star sprinkles. This isn't a bad thing; my grandmother loves those little prepackaged brownies and would consider this description the highest of compliments.
But if you're looking for a high-quality chocolate fix, this is not that. (But you probably already knew that.) It's that cheap "not quite chocolate" flavor that is so pervasive in American confections.
One friend described them as "Tootsie Roll Oreos" which is also fairly accurate. They also remind me of these little chocolate cake bars my mom used to bring to the Water Park. (I cannot for the life of me remember what they were called, but they were thin and had a serpentine line of white icing on top.)
The creme is also very rich. So rich in fact, that I recommend eating it separate of the wafer, as combining them results in an overwhelming amount of not-quite-chocolate flavor. And don't even think about attempting to eat these without a full glass of milk; to do so would be folly, as the creme kind of sticks to the roof of your mouth.
In terms of limited-edition Oreo flavors, I'd rank these somewhere around "Birthday Cake." In the way Birthday Cake Oreos don't actually taste of cake, but remind you of cake, these don't actually taste of brownies, but only approximate brownie-like flavors with synthetic flavor magic. These are the synthehol of brownies.
So there are my thoughts on the Brownie Batter Oreo. I'm sorry it took so long to get them to you. I'll do better in the future. For now, I'm keeping my eye out for these:
They probably aren't real, but I want to believe.