Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
Last week, lucky contest winner Iamdover and I met up for a complimentary mini-boudoir shoot with photog Lori Berkowitz. (Her winning comment? "I feel sexiest when I've got red lipstick on and my winged eyeliner is on point!" No red lipstick bias was involved though, I picked with a random number generator.)
We showed up at the shoot at 2 p.m. on a Wednesday, widely known as the sexiest day and time of the week.
Flipping through the books of Lori's work that were placed around the suite, I noticed a common theme and that theme was: butts. Also, hair in faces. I am a huge fan of the former, not so much of the latter. I mean, I like my face. I'm a chubby girl from way back, and if there's one thing we're always hearing it's what PRETTY FACES we have.
We got our makeup done and then were ushered into the "lingerie styling" room. That part was a bit of a bummer, since they didn't have a bra to fit me (I'm a 38DD and their "38" didn't come close to closing around me) and I ended up having to wear my everyday bra into the shoot. The bra I happened to be wearing provided a lot more "coverage" than cleavage. If I'd known nothing was going to fit my tits, I would have brought something hot of my own to wear.
Also, they put a lacy little cover-up on me that, while pretty, made me feel sort of like Carnie Wilson in those Playboy pics where they just covered up her entire (presumably problematic) midsection. I'm not into subtle elegance in my lingerie -- I loathe a satin chemise. Give me some straight-up nasty Frederick's of Hollywood garter belt shit, please. (I should note for the record, that the lingerie people were not affiliated with Lori.)
A couple of communal kimonos were used to cover up before heading into the shoot. Here's awesome contest winner Iamdover about to head into her session. (Note the butt behind her.)
In retrospect, she may be wearing the bra that would have fit me.
The actual shoot took place in a white, well-lit room with a big bed in the middle. I've been in my underwear in front of lots of strangers (slutty), but I still felt a little self-conscious, considering this one was holding a camera. I mean, it could have been like that scene in "Fame" where Coco cries and takes her top off. (That scene made a big impression on me as a pre-teen.) But Lori made the whole thing really easy -- like the most awesome photographers I've known, she gave lots of great direction and knew how to position my body to present it in its most flattering light. I mean, as much as I believe in self-acceptance, nothing would have made me feel less sexy than getting a bunch of shots back that prominently featured my loose skin and stretchmarks.
Lori had me get on the bed on my knees, tilt my head back and put my hands in my hair and then run them down my body slowly and sensually. Then I had to touch my hair again. And again. Touching your hair is apparently a very sexy thing to do. After awhile, we moved to the bed, where she had me do some slow, sexy rolling over. This was actually really fun! Try it if you don't believe me. From the end position on my stomach, I had to push my butt up in the air and toss my hair in my face. Last but not least smuttily, she had me put my arms against the wall and bend over while pulling my little lace robe thingie up. Inside I was like "...AND butts."
It was a really fun and non-intimidating experience and the 5-minute shoot honestly felt plenty long. These are the best of the final shots. I get to order one custom print. My favorite is the first one below, but let me know which you think I should choose.
I think they're really nice and if you can afford a full session with Lori (the boudoir sessions start at $1,249) or can con someone who likes to see you naked into paying for it, I would recommend wholeheartedly. (You could get a few of your multiple sex partners to chip in $416 each, perhaps?) Here's a shot of Iamdover that she gave me permission to share:
I think we could both stand to be a bit nekkider, honestly.
OK, now about my butt.
I have heard that there are still women in this world who feel bad about their fat asses. I have to believe this is true, because I watch “Project Runway,” and every once in awhile the judges say things like "No woman wants her ass to look bigger." OK, HEIDI KLUM.
If you live in 2014 and don’t want your ass to look bigger, I would like to meet you, because I can only gather that you are some kind of unfrozen cavewoman. You are anachronistic. You are the dude at a Civil War reenactment using his cell phone or the chick on “Game of Thrones” with a full Brazilian.
Unfortunately for ME, I do not have a butt. Like, at all. Part of the reason I never wear jeans is that clothes that fit my waist bunch around my ass like a droopy diaper. The thing is actually so bony I have to bunch towels under myself in Pilates classes just to be able to do the standard movements without my butt bone digging into the hard floor.
I mean, it's wide enough, but just flat as a pancake. I was forced to acknowledge this when I received the below picture.
I really can't stop laughing looking at it. There is just no butt there! It's kind of a cruel trick, since I'm so generously proportioned everywhere else. Like, why no butt, nature?
Anyway, there's no point really, except to say that if you have a butt, treasure it. Thank it for everything it's done for you. Maybe send it a spa gift certificate.
Let's talk about butts and whether hair in your face is sexual.