RECIPE OF THE WEEK: Pick My Birthday Cake!

I really lean into my birthday.
Publish date:
July 28, 2015
birthdays, Birthday Cake, Recipe Of The Week

Greetings and salutations and welcome back to this lovely little corner of the internet where a bunch of you wanted me to put gummy bears on French fries. I thought you guys liked me, but I guess 47 of you kind of don't. We actually have a lot to cover today; I have three trophies and a pic of me in a monocle to give out!

First, the monocle I promised you all two weeks ago. I was hoping to be able to hold it in place with the face, but no such luck. So here's a picture of me holding it up to my eye.

So that happened.

As you probably know, last week I asked you for your favorite fry toppings. This comment from kristin technically got the most up-votes, but it must have gotten a lot of down-votes too because it hasn't sorted to the top.

Comedian Ari Shaffir.. swears that gummy bears melted over hot fries are a good thing. I would like to get ahold of whatever he is smoking. In the mean time, Merkts cheese, melted, all day every day, and maybe a couple of slices of fresh jalapeno on some hand-cut fries!!

[Side bar: Isn't Ari Shaffir the one who bullied another comedian on his Netflix special (and used her name and everything)? A quick Google reveals that yes, yes he was.]

Anyway, I hadn't really decided if I would take down-votes into consideration when picking ROTW because I've never had to before, but because gummy bears are cheap and I'm honestly just curious, I gave it whirl.

I fried the potatoes (twice, at two temperatures) and once they were nice and crispy, briefly drained them on paper towels before tossing them in a bowl with some Haribo gummy bears. I specify Haribo because Haribo gummy bears are the only gummy bears worth fucking with.

The result was not repulsive. It was no "fries dipped in a Wendy's Frosty" but it was an okay sweet and salty experience. I ate one and, though I wasn't compelled to eat another one, I wan't mad about it. Of course kristin deserves a trophy for instigating this whole thing, and that trophy is "Silly Bears" by Akron/Family.

The most up-voted and least down-voted recipe comes to us from RinnyLush (how many of these has she won??) and was pretty insane, even by my standards.

We live by a poutine shop, and one night my boyfriend went out to grab us dinner. The monstrosity he brought home was delicious. It was rough cut fries smothered in the typical curds and gravy, as well as caramelized onions, real bacon bits, green peas, and 3 pierogies on top. I was astounded - it was blasphemous, offensive, and irresistible. I ate until I was sick. I asked my boyfriend what they called that on the menu and he said "It wasn't on the menu, I asked the kid behind the counter to just make us what he usually has." I honestly couldn't imagine having that more than once a year.

I'm not going to lie, I was very excited about making this.

The funny thing about a "recipe" like this is that you can decide how complicated you want to make it. A number of components can be homemade or store-bought and, since last night found me in a frying mood, I made the fries from scratch and bought the gravy and pierogies. I fried some bacon, caramelized the onions in the bacon grease, and piled it all on a plate with some cheddar cheese curds.

(You may have noticed a large amount of peas. I have this problem where I always add too many peas. I'll add some peas, look at the pile of peas, shake my head and think to myself "not enough peas," and then completely over-do it on the peas.)

The above was a thing of beauty and I ate until it physically hurt. It was a salty, cheesy, fried mess of goodness and it made me so so happy. So RinnyLush's (3rd? 4th?) trophy is "Happy" by The Rolling Stones.

And finally, I'm off roading and giving a trophy for a comment that wasn't even part of last week's ROTW, but from the Meta Oreo post.

The Cookies n' Creme Oreo cookie is a reflection on postmondern-ironist ideals within the realm of snack foods. What makes a good cookie great?Walter Truett Anderson would suggest that the public opinion regarding "the best" cookie flavor is entirely a social construct, and we should be skeptical of labeling anything as a definite objective truth. Cookie Modernists reject the idea that the wafer needs ornamentation; however, several attempts at modifying the outside structure of the cookie have proved mildly successful in a commercial sense (Red Velvet, S'Mores, et al.). This is where the Postmodern cookie movement objects to the core values of contemporary Cookie Modernism.

Though this particular wafer is devoid of excess outside ornamentation, both the values of Modernism and Postmodernism can be found within the essential structure. This cookie of the third order is a departure from our rigid structural idea of what a sandwich cookie ought to be; instead, it utilizes Utopian Modernist basics, and combines them with the values of Post-Cookie-Structuralism to form a hybrid sandwich cookie that challenges the solidity of societal expectations of what a cookie is, and frankly, how we use language to communicate our cookie ideals.

Jacques Derrida would consider this a radicalization of Marxist cookie ideals, and while true Marxists are averse to such an association, I can say with some confidence that truly the combination of clashing ideals has sublimated into the ultimate sandwich cookie. Derrida contends that "in a classical philosophical snackfood opposition we are not dealing with the peaceful coexistence of a(n) Oreo-a-Oreo, but rather with a violent hierarchy. One of the two terms governs the other (axiologically, logically, etc.), or has the upper hand." I have to say that I concur; one's argument about the merits of a straightforward snackology can easily be disputed at the most basic level by anyone with even the loosest grasp on Postmodern snackology. The Cookie Modernists would suggest that "less is more", but I am partial to Robert Venturi's claim that "less is a bore".

In conclusion, damn, these cookies are tasty.

This is not just the Comment of the Week, my friends, this is the comment of my life. Though it falls outside the realm of ROTW, I'm exercising my rights as "someone who works here" to reward ThinkMeat with a trophy, and that trophy is one of my favorite Magnetic Fields songs (keeping with the postmodern theme here).

Moving on to the new (very exciting) topic!

Next Wednesday (August 5th) is my (29th) birthday! I've always been one of those people who loves her birthday and really leans into it. (My friend recently did "my chart" and discovered that I am a triple Leo; take that how you will.)

Choosing a birthday cake is always difficult, because there are so many good options. Classic chocolate? Something ridiculous like a piñata cake? The Cheese Plate cupcakes with brie frosting from the local bakery (bonus: I don't have to make those)? I usually end up paralyzed by indecision, buying a Carvel at the last minute (this isn't terrible). So I figured why not let you guys pick for me? I like pretty much anything, but tend to lean towards chocolate, and the only things I won't eat are Jell-O and celery.

Alternatively, just tell me about your best birthday cake ever. This doesn't have to be completely about me.