Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
So I went to Applebee’s last night for happy hour boneless wings, margaritas, and trivia night. One of the trivia questions asked for the proper name of a wine professional.... IDFK? The answer was actually “sommelier," which you maybe already knew.
I love a good wine night while watching Bravo as much as the next red-blooded girl, but good Lord. I have no patience for wine snobs, who sniff their glass and swish the wine around their teeth like, “Oooh yes, I can taste the grass and dirt of the vineyard over the oaky top notes." No, you can’t. It tastes like wine.
Here’s some expertise for you: I like Barefoot Moscato because it’s pink and tastes good. Done, give me a show on the Food Network and write me a check.
Despite not really caring about the art of fermentation, I like a good drink. My signature is a tequila-soda-lime, and I would smack a baby for a mojito. (If you go to Aruba for any reason, go for the mojitos.)
I also get a little bougie when it comes to drinking accessories. I’m a materialistic creature after all. I just moved into a new apartment, and among my endless wish list of new furniture lies an entirely separate endless wish list of bar accessories.
They’re just so cute that I mentally and physically cannot help myself. Who cares if I’m storing Cinnabon Pinnacle in my glass decanter? Appearances are everything, my friends.
So while I’m internally rolling my eyes at self-proclaimed connoisseurs of all alcoholic liquids, I will focus on what really matters — THINGS — and spend unnecessary amounts of money to create a superficial boozy experience of my own. I bestow upon you a list of bar accessories for people who love drinking, but think alcohol connoisseurs are full of shit.
Urban Outfitters Wine Bottle Glass
THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. My etched stemless wine glasses are great for wine nights with the girls, but when I want a big ass glass of Moscato to scream at my TV during a Bad Girls Club Reunion special, I need this.
Main Whiskey Stones — Beverage Chillers
Only mere plebeians use ice cubes to chill and ultimately water down their drinks — YUCK, am I right? These whiskey stones keep your drink cold for hours. As if I would even need to keep my drink cold for that long, but hey, any excuse to put fancy ass rocks in my cup.
Crate & Barrel Mingle Decanter
The only reason I can even identify a glass decanter is because I watch Vampire Diaries. The Salvatore brothers always look so sophisticated and sexy clanking glass decanters around, taking off the heavy lids, and casually pouring a glass of Scotch in the afternoon. Realistically, my glass decanters are reserved for Saturdays and store Skinnygirl Vodka, but who cares — look at that gold etching!! You can also get matching glasses to go along with it.
Himalayan Salt Tequila Glasses
Okay, if I’m going to get snobby about any type of alcohol, it’s tequila. I love me a shot of Don Julio. These also make me laugh because realistically I know I will just lick and chew on the shot glasses like snacks.
Crate & Barrel Bunny Corker
Shut. Up. No. Fucking. Way. BUNNY CORKS!!!
An Illustrated Guide to Cocktails
I need this because I fail to understand concepts if there are no illustrations of animals involved.
Crate & Barrel Orb Stainless-Steel Cocktail Picks
I’m such a sucker for identifying objects — “No, I had the circular olive pick!” my guests will say. I don’t really drink martinis, but I do eat olives, so maybe I’ll just use these to eat olives? Actually you could use them with fruit to add a decorative touch to a cocktail…or to pick olives out of other people’s drinks.
Bru Joy Cocktail Muddler
Ahh, a muddler — perfect for those mojitos I was talking about earlier. I found more attractive wood versions across the Internet, but this stainless steel muddler will be easier to clean.
West Elm Olivewood Coasters
I really do plan on buying these coasters. Most coasters are ugly eyesores on the table, but these actually look like mini decorations.
CB2 Ernest Chrome Bar Cart
And now we have come full circle. This bar cart will hold all of the aforementioned bar accessories and swivel into every room as needed.
Now that we’ve established how sophisticated and cultured I am, let’s chat. What’s your favorite drink? And who likes drinking while watching trashy reality shows?
Say heeyyy to Courtney on Twitter and Instagram @courtneypizza