Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
*DISCLAIMER* Before reading this, please remember that that it is possible to like Twilight and have a First Class Honours degree. Honest.
Trying to squeeze my woman-sized breasts into a child-sized t-shirt
Hands up - I was the biggest Twihard going when the first movie came out. Aged 22, I read the books in a week, and had barely turned the last page before I was in my car driving to the supermarket like a woman possessed, desperate to buy the first movie on DVD. After that, I fell hard. HARD. To this day I have to ration myself to only watching Twilight occasionally, due to the depths of emotional turmoil it plunges me into. It's a specific kind of sick pleasure (some girls like porn, I like overly sensitive undead creatures with a prediliction to ill-fated romance and life-threatening situations. Go ahead, judge me).
BUT - and this is a big BUT, that was the first movie. Maybe movie two, New Moon, as well - when you get confused over who to have a crush on, because cute little Reservation Boy Jacob Black has suddenly become Wolf Man, all muscles, motorbike and barely contained lust.*
But seriously, bonjour Taylor Lautner in the second film. The Twilight movies one and two were great. I was hooked in. The t-shirt I'm wearing in the picture? I own it. That's the very same child-sized one I squashed my distinctly woman-sized boobs into and wore under my jumper to the cinema to watch New Moon, much to the despair of my two best friends. Yes, I actually did that. I also broke up with my boyfriend because he couldn't live up to Edward Cullen fantasy. “You are my life now, Bella.” Come on.
So here's the sting in the tail. Three years later, and I'm actually dreading the final movie coming out. It's like a black cloud looming on the horizon. Why? Because the last one was So Bad. Sosososososo bad. I cringed through every moment of it. Not to mention the biggest letdown of a sex scene in the history of all time. After four years, R-Patz and Kstew, could you at least have given us a little something? Do we not deserve anything from you?! A few fricking feathers ripped from a pillow? BE SERIOUS.
Sorry *breathes*. Ultimately, I feel personally betrayed. Hurt, even. I have endured hours of ridicule over my Twilight obsession. Let's not even talk about the look on the then boyfriend's face when he came home to find me watching it for the umpteenth time, mascara all over my face, looking at him with disgust for just not being vampiric enough. I defended its credibilty as a cult movie saga for the modern age.
But the facts cannot be ignored anymore - the films are getting worse with every new instalment. Robert and Kristen clearly no longer give a shit, the CGI wolves are laughable and the whole experience of going to a Twilight movie is just embarassing. This feels like the end of a bad relationship - the problem is, I'm in too deep now. I've got to see it through to the bloody excruiciating climax (ironically enough, given there wasn't one in Breaking Dawn Part 1. Sorry). So I say roll on November 16th 2012, when The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 comes out. Not because I'm excited, but because I want this to be over with. I'm 25 years old and still compare potential boyfriends to a fictional vampire, FFS. Enough.
*sorry just had to have a little lie down.