Adventures in Craigslist Foot Massage

I'm sorry. I'm a wretched person. But: "mustard."

Who wouldn't want to rub his penis on these, right?

I am a big fan of Craigslist. Certainly, it has its practical purposes, like finding cheap bikes or unloading old video equipment. But I mostly appreciate it because I am a sociopath, and it's a handy device for wasting the time of strangers for the sake of perverse personal entertainment.

Sometimes, though, I forget there's a human being on the other end of the Internet.

A few days ago I randomly came across a guy's ad for a $10 foot massage for "hard working" women in the "Missed Connections" section (where I was not at ALL looking for the guy at a standup show who complimented my "Cow Eyes" and then danced off into the night like a mothman who gives weird compliments).

Normally, I'd just flag the ad by passive aggressively hitting "Miscateogorized" while shouting "MISCATEGORIZED!" aloud, but I was bored and a terrible person.

So the next logical step was to to email this guy pretending to be Carly Simon. I messaged him from an old account that I use exclusively as a dump for those online shopping discounts you get by signing up your friends for 500 daily newsletters about chinos and discounted Thai food. (Like I said: sociopath.)

He wrote back immediately, offering the first 30 minutes for free.

I wrote him back with some "conditions" that I was sure would probably put him off, then promptly forgot about him until this morning, when I got these two forlorn missives (the bottom text is me and my "provisos"):

Aw. Poor foot friend!

I guess there are people out there more desperate for human contact than Saturday Night Julieanne.

This briefly depressed me, so I will probably not be Craigslist pranking anybody for like, at least a week or two. In the mean time, I hope this guy finds what he's looking for*.