Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
You guys, I need to buy the Igloo Hotel. What Igloo hotel? THIS ONE.
When I first read about it, I knew in a bone-deep way that it was my destiny. This is not even a drill. I’ve planned on moving to just outside the Alaskan town of Cantwell and buying the ice hotel in the same way the olds plan on moving to Boca. And I’m not doing it alone!
I immediately contacted three of my friends.
“Guys, separately, we each have a particular set of skills that if properly integrated, could make this reckless, unprofitable, venture SOMETHING MAGICAL AND FOR THE AGES.”
I had visions of our opening night gala. I imagined rumors that would start about the place -- like that Tilda Swinton owns a room there. I saw Beyonce being interviewed about her favorite places to stay: “Only the Ice Hotel will suffice for Mrs. Carter,” she’d offer gravely. I saw myself becoming ruddy cheeked and eccentric. Maybe I would get a helper monkey.
Later on in the day, when I read about those Shetland ponies wearing sweaters, it became absolutely clear that they had to be hired to work in the hotel. Don’t worry -- we will make sure they are wearing adequately insulated parkas.
Look, I’m normally all about being “fair” and “sharing” -- unless you count that time when as a youth I bit a teacher for trying to make me share the book of dinosaurs I was reading -- but a girl has to carve out a space for herself in the world, and my space? It’s a mother-fucking fake Igloo in Alaska. GET YOUR OWN PIECE OF SPACE.
Here are 5 other places to turn into your dream hotel:
1.) A Tastee Delite
These places are always closing! Buy one! Buy eight! Turn them into the nap-shop of your heart’s dreams. Nap shops should be a much bigger thing than they are. Each room could have a different theme. The themes could be flavored. It’s like an ice hotel! Only not at all.
2.) A Border’s Bookstore
The only thing sadder than an empty bookstore is when it is bought out by say, a sporting good’s store. I hate sports. I hate goods. Make it a hotel! Each wing can be dedicated to a different genre! Have a nightly story-hour for the kids! Call the after-hours lounge the Banned Books room. Naughty.
3.) This Castle
It’s in Belgium! Its name kind of looks like when said aloud it would be the same sound as someone loosening phlegm in their throats! If the website it’s advertised on is any indication, you could probs get this thing for a song. Then you can host guests! Or not! Instead you could just get into fights in grocery store, all being “I OWN A FUCKING CASTLE MAN” when they try to take the last bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.
4.) Your Parents’ Basement
With prolonged adolescence being very much a thing these days, I say market it. Move back into your parents’ basement, invite your friends over, eat Totino’s pizza rolls and watch "Reality Bites." When they go to leave, charge them -- they can’t think all that nostalgia was going to come at them gratis. Plus, pizza rolls don’t buy themselves.
5.) The Post Office
Did you hear that these guys are getting rid of home delivery of mail on Saturdays? That makes me so sad! Set up shop in a lobby, catering to young school children on field trip. Extend one arm, taking in everything surrounding you and say “This is where my novelty pantyhose used to come from.