Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
1. Get your dad drunk enough to tell you about his “uni days”. Bonus points if it involves plagiarism or mild drug use.
2. Watch boxsets while eating only turkey-based goods. Or goods from Turkey (mezze etc) if you run out of turkey leftovers.
3. Do not stop playing solitaire until you have won, without cheating.
4. Root through your cupboards for old, highly embarrassing and even more highly pubescent notebooks. Have a good laugh.
5. Take up simple origami.
6. Play charades or Pictionary after a wine-fuelled dinner. Do not ever play Monopoly because it’s boring as fuck. Same goes for Scrabble, unless it’s rude word Scrabble.
7. Write a ghost story, just like Dickens.
8. Pull all the leftover crackers. Go to the shops and buy more. Pull those too.
9. Go somewhere really Christmassy like Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park and be amazed at how hollow everything feels now it’s over. Contemplate the transience of life. Hold a bauble.
10. Write thank you cards for everyone who sent you Christmas cards. Let’s be honest, there’ll only be about four and you’ll look really on it.
11. Hide behind a door and scare your brother so he screams like a little girl.
12. Plan the January sales. And by plan, I mean PLAN. We’re talking a full wardrobe assessment, google maps and a timetable.
13. Make the ultimate hot chocolate, using anything made of chocolate, squares of melted chocolate, Baileys and Quality Street.
14. Dye your hair - it’ll be just in time for the NYE bash! And for, y’know, the whole “New Year New You” business everyone (i.e. me) gets sucked into.
15. Plan your New Year’s resolutions so you don’t accidentally make shit ones on the day because you’re too drunk.
16. Try and keep Maltesers in the air by blowing through a straw.
17. Once again believe that, if you just sit down at the piano for a few hours and sort of play about, you’ll suddenly find it comes naturally to you.
18. Give your mum a makeover. And your sister. And your dad.
19. Learn the art of crystal ball gazing.
20. Sort out your personal admin: reorganise the photos on your laptop, sort your desktop out by making little ordered folders for everything. Cull people on Facebook that you don’t know. Reassess your relationships. I once culled 530 friends from Facebook on Christmas Day which was, in retrospect, quite callous but I was also, in retrospect, really drunk.
21. Go for a run. Oh wait, sorry, I think I just had a brain haemorrhage. Ignore that.
22. Have a How Many Mince Pies Can You Fit In Your Mouth competition with a member of your family. Beat them.
23. Put your crap presents on eBay/invite your old friends who are all back in the same weird town during this vortex for a Big Christmas Gift Swapathon. Or just do it with your siblings.
24. Make a fort. Or a den. Then hide until someone finds out and asks what you're doing. Tell them they can’t come in unless they guess the secret password.
25. Get your grandmother to teach you how to knit, resolve to knit a scarf and then abandon it by the time the vortex has passed.
26. Go for a walk wearing a santa hat and adjoining beard. Feel liberated.
27. Try and mull everything.
28. Speak in Dickensian language for the day. Say things like “oh, glad tidings kind sir” and “twas a most merry evening was it not?” and “Golly this wassail is nice” until someone tells you to shut the hell up.
29. Casually study Greek mythology. Why? Why not.
30. Make bunting out of the leftover Christmas paper. See, now you’ve got decorations for next year! Put them in a safe place and immediately forget about them forever.