Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
The infinitely watchable Wayne’s World has been a part of my life since I was little. I may have been a tiny girl, but I would do the Jimi Hendrix ”Foxy Lady” dance on cue just like Garth. I’d stand in front of the fan to give my band t-shirt the wind-blown effect. When the “Bohemian Rhapsody” guitar solo came, I’d bang my head in the back of my father’s convertible every time, and we played it ad nauseam. It’s the best movie to ever come out of an SNL sketch, and it’s loaded with valuable lessons for our lives now. For instance, when a guy has ribbed for her pleasure condoms, he’s bad news. Here are 17 important lessons that Wayne and Garth have taught us. Let’s begin with a pro negotiation tip. Excellent!
1. When you stand up to the man, take a sip of a drink that screams you mean business to let the moment land.
A flowery fishbowl tank can still be intimidating in the right hands.
2. Sometimes life is BYO-Condiments.
You never know where the night may lead.
3. Stand up to bullies with force.
Even Goliath came down.
4. Being a giver doesn’t mean your efforts are always appreciated.
A non-gun owner will not share your same vision for your top purchase of a gun rack. Everyone wants a Fandango gift card. Or you can simply ask before you go shopping, “Do you own weapons?”
5. A person’s reaction to your vomit is the true measure of their character.
As Wayne said, “If you blow chunks and she comes back, she’s yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.” Also, bring a bigger cup than those little paper ones the dentist has in case someone spews.
6. So you’re getting a new haircut. Read a Yelp review or two first.
You’re taking a huge risk if you don’t.
7. Apply BB cream liberally throughout the day.
At any moment, there might be an extreme closeup in your near future.
8. Wear elbow pads and knee pads for everyday life situations.
Even stationary cars can hit you.
9. Be a selective sell out.
And don’t assume one logo is enough to get the point across.
10. A murder tale is a real upper at social events.
Be sure to lock eyes to keep the interaction comfortable.
11. We’re all rock stars.
For the cost of a jukebox song.
12. Foreign languages exist to impress people.
It’s their only use.
13. Keep eye makeup remover on hand.
It’s called being a real friend.
14. Making people feel special requires skill and coordination.
Bow down to your favorite star in unison with a buddy.
15. Always take your anger out in a healthy way on a donut in public.
You can still eat the donut.
16. Beware of enemies.
They’re lurking right next to you and around your neck.
17. Get dressed in the correct order. Otherwise, people will laugh at your outfit.
It’s OK, you can always start over.
Reprinted with permission from Styleite. Want more?