Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
Boyfriends are useful for three things: making out, giving compliments, and spending money. I’m newly single, so the whole making out thing hasn’t been a problem and compliments are easy to come by [*flips hair*], but this whole spending my own money situation is impossible to adjust to. I hate buying my own shit.
I can hear glass shattering in the heads of feminists everywhere, but you can’t change my mind with this one. If men are paid 22 percent more than women, then there is no shame in making that extra money rain on me. You know who I’m really jealous of? Sugar babies. Let’s be real, how far off is a sugar daddy/sugar baby relationship from a boyfriend anyway?
A relationship is essentially allowing some homeboy who maybe treats you well access to your vaginal canal and feelings (gag), with the loose promise of dinners and jewelry somewhere in between. Sugar babies never waste their time on dates with guys who work at Popeyes. Their relationship begins with a guarantee that Mr. Rich Guy will pay their college tuition, or frost their lovely wrists with diamonds. I’ll be shelling out my own cash on slutty dresses from Forever 21 in the hopes of fooling someone into being Facebook-official with me, giving me their Netflix password, and buying me Hot Cheetos.
Honestly, I’m most concerned about whether my potential beau is an emotionally vacant idiot or a Republican, so if he wants to buy me stuff I am not complaining. Valentine’s Day — one of my favorite holidays — is around the corner, and I’m still lacking a boyfriend whose obligation is to fill my apartment with peonies and Ghirardelli milk chocolates. While I have no intention of acquiring a sugar daddy anytime soon, I know exactly what gifts I would ask for if I had one. Yes, this is a hypothetical relationship I think about frequently. I’m starting off my wish list big with a . . . .
Cartier Le Cirque Animalier Bees Décor Watch, $180,000
Holy . . . how does a WATCH cost that much? I would be afraid to leave my house in this “please mug me” hunk of diamonds. Although, I guess if I was wearing a $180,000 dollar watch, I would live in a different neighborhood. Hey sugar daddy, guess what time it is? It’s time to pay my rent and security deposit.
Tom Ford Buckled Chain-Heel Cutout Sandal, $2,300
In case you were wondering what one of the most expensive pairs of heels at Bergdorf Goodman looks like, they are black leather Tom Ford stilettos with gold chain heels.
Alison Lou Love Struck 14K Gold and Enamel Necklace, $1,250
I feel like at some point during my hypothetical sugar daddy relationship, I would ask for something really ridiculously over the top just to see if I could get it.
Agent Provocateur Denver Basque, $790
You can argue for or against wearing lingerie in front of your slam piece, but I always preach that women should own sexy lingerie for themselves just to feel hot at all times. The Agent Provocateur describes this look as “both intoxicating at midnight and practical enough for daytime." Intoxicating, I love that.
2015 Lamborghini Huracan, $237,250
I would look so hot in this car. It would also match my Cartier bumblebee watch perfectly.
La Mer Créme de la Mer, $2,000
You have not experienced entertainment until you’ve read reviews for a $2,000 face cream. One reviewer claimed this cream is a “very expensive version of the very basic ingredients found in the cheapest of creams. But a much nicer smell :)." I would need years of therapy after coming to this realization post-purchase.
Prada Tote, $2,500
I obviously need something to hold all of my sugar in.
Dinner at Per Se in New York, $851 per person
Per Se, the most expensive restaurant in Manhattan, overlooks Central Park in the Time Warner Center. I may not know which fork to use in this restaurant, but even monkeys are capable of enjoying a good meal. One option on the menu is actually “Oysters and Pearls” — damn, I thought owning a pearl necklace was a luxury . . . .
Tiffany Diamond Engagement Ring, $14,300
Hellooo, what aspirational list would be complete without a big ol' diamond ring? Make your sugar daddy stick around forever, or just marry yourself.
Hell yeah I want a dolphin. I would name him Jeffrey and ride him across my big ass hypothetical saltwater pool and feed him dolphin food. I can already imagine the conversations I would have with my envious, dolphin-less friends.
Obviously I don’t realistically expect finding a sugar daddy to buy me dolphins or $180,000 watches, but a girl can dream. In the mean time I’ll continue kissing frogs, or asking my literal dad for elaborate birthday presents.
Offer to be Courtney’s sugar daddy on Twitter and Instagram @courtneypizza.