That One Drink You Order at Brunch

If loving brunch is basic then I have a pH 0f around 10.
Publish date:
April 30, 2016
brunch, That One Drink

Hello my bibbles, and welcome back to another loud and raucous installment of That One Drink. Last week we discussed those beverages that had done us oh so wrong, and the winner (brought to us by theprettiestkatie) was an epic tale of red wine, vomit, and more vomit.

Red wine. I wasn't even the one to get sick off it, but I can't even smell it anymore without my stomach turning.

Many moons ago, when I was an idiot, my (for very good reason) ex-husband got laid off. I was either at work or school (can't remember which), and couldn't get home until 7pm or so, despite the fact that he was very upset. He tracked down one of his frat bros who had the day off and they proceeded to drink all of the alcohol in the house while screaming at pre-teen boys on X-Box Live.

I got home, and the ex was shitcanned. There was an empty bottle of whiskey on the coffee table, so I assumed that was the extent of the damage. I sent Frat Bro on his merry way and started the task of getting an insanely drunk person to bed.

A couple hours later, I go get in bed. As soon as I settle in, Ex rolls over and vomits down the side of the bed and all over the floor. It is crazy deep red and I, thinking the had only had whiskey, am convinced that he is puking up blood. I start frantically calling his mother, who was an ER nurse, but can't get ahold of her. I decide to call 911 and go downstairs to grab the landline from the kitchen, where I find 2 empty bottles of the super sweet red wine we had served at our wedding. I call Frat Bro, and apparently Ex had killed both of them BY HIMSELF. Convinced that he is not internally bleeding, I head back to the bedroom and get Ex cleaned up, strip and remake the bed, wash the stained sheets, and put everyone back in bed.

The moment I get back in bed and close my eyes, Ex starts puking down the side of the bed again. (In hindsight, probably should have still gone to the hospital, but like I said, I was an idiot.) I go through the whole cleaning routine again, which takes probably an hour because red wine, and get everyone back in bed again. As soon as I close my eyes - you guessed it - the puking starts up all over again. At this point, I am done, and since he has puked entirely on the floor, I decide that I'm not dealing with it until I've gotten some sleep, and I roll over and pass out.

Sometime in the night, the dog decides to eat the red wine puke. Dog clearly gets sick because it's really just red wine and stomach acid. Dog vomits the red wine vomit onto MY HEAD while I am asleep. I wake up in a pile of double puked red wine and to make matters worse, it has gotten in my bleach blonde hair and stained it. The whole house smelled like red wine for days and it took a week for my hair to go back to its normal color. Haven't had red wine since.

Dear, sweet Jesus. What a fucking story. I actually don't know if I've ever heard a more upsetting drinking story. So much vomit. The phrase "double puked red wine" will haunt me forever.

But I still drank some red wine in honor of this harrowing tale, because that is how this thing works. I actually had a bottle of Josh wine I'd been meaning to try.

This wine came up a while ago, when we were discussing that one drink you had to buy because of the name. I have to admit, I enjoy a bottle of wine that has a generic white guy name. In terms of taste, I thought it was kind of intense and rich for a Pinot Noir, but not in a bad way. It was pretty juicy with lots of chocolate and cherry. I drank it while watching Game of Thrones and enjoyed it thoroughly. Also no one puked, so that was cool. It retails around $17, which means you can give it as a gift without feeling too cheap, but it's still a pretty good bargain.

Theprettiestkatie deserves ALL the damn trophies for her terrible tale, but I only have room for three. We'll begin with a song that references wine, because we basically have to.

Next, it's "When I Was Drinking" by Hem.

Finally, it's "Wave of Mutilation" by The Pixies, because I feel like it's a good way to represent all of the vomit.

Alright. Moving on to our next, slightly less rough topic.

Let me begin by saying that I love brunch. If loving brunch is basic, then I have a pH of around 10. I love eggs Benedict. I love bacon. I love super drinkable cocktails. I love Bloody Marys.

That Bloody pictured above was particularly tasty. Not only was it rimmed with Old Bay and adorned with a shrimp, but it had a bit of Kummel (cumin-flavored liqueur) in there to really make it pop. If you're ever in Portland, pop into Tasty n Sons and getchu one.

Tiny book writing.

A photo posted by Claire Lower (@clairelizlower) on

But it's not all Bloodies. I also adore an Italian Greyhound (gin+grapefruit+Campari) and was recently turned on the glorious Brown Derby (bourbon+grapefruit+honey, pictured above). Basically, I love anything with grapefruit.

So now I obviously want to know what your favorite brunch cocktails are. Do you go sweet or savory? What's your platonic ideal of a Bloody Mary?