My New Look Is Called FutureSex Because the Apocalypse Is Upon Us and It Is Time to Get Busy

I know nothing about fashion but the end of the world is coming and we need to be prepared.
Publish date:
December 13, 2012
clothes, futuresex, Sex,

I am getting really into "Battlestar Galactica," because it's way more fun than having a social life. As a result, I have decided to embark on a new look that I am calling FUTURESEX.

What is FutureSex? Let me tell you.

What if Alexander Wang was like BOOM I'M OUT BALENCIAGA, I WANNA CHILL WITH THOSE NAKED CHICKS IN CALI and moseyed on over to American Apparel? Then, what if American Apparel didn't have any sunset light? Just halogen lamps from the mothership bouncing off of the vinyl high-necked jumpsuit? What if you took that jumpsuit to the office in a fur coat and were all like, "Don't worry dude, you'll get it next millennia.” Pair that with some huge ugly shoes and there you have FUTURESEX.

As I see it, the future is going to involve WAY more fucking. It'll either be because people (i.e., Americans, because we will have blown up the rest of the earth) are going to explode from being so super repressed, or we are going to have to fuck like college kids to recreate the population because the Mayans smoked our asses. Either way people are gonna get their bang on.

In case you were wondering, FutureSex is not a checkbox or search term on Shopstyle. When searched, you only get these average looking sunglasses, which you wouldn't even need in the future because there will be no sun because it burned up.


I like this dress because you look like an evil sexmonk. Your ass will look good because it is going to be Saranwrapped in sweet fucking black polyester. DONT YOU DARE wear this as a cowl neck like the model does in the photo, that is super lame and not FutureSex-y. I mean, this is xoJane so do whatever you want always pretty much, but yeah I’m not taking the fall for that look.

One-pieces are key because in the future we won't have time to figure out coordinating pants and shirts because our iPhones that are now implanted in our forearms will be buzzing non-stop. It is pretty much all in the one piece. If you are comfy with it, let your ass cheeks hang out. I love that look. I get very defensive of my sisters when other women are all like, "Ew you can see her ass cheeks." HELL YEAH YOU CAN BECAUSE SHE'S A WO-Man and her ass is BODACIOUS.

(PS. ASOS is like luxury brand for me so you can probably find the same weirdo stuff at your local mall. Just go into the plastic prom store and mentally remove yourself from where you are and look at the jumpsuits for what they are: probably cooler than you think and longer lasting than you care to wear them.)

I am poor, but these tights are worth it. Pretty much every dude I have ever encountered while I have been wearing these practically vomits they get so horny. Just buy them, because the future is coming and we won’t have time to attach those weird little buckle things when we are running from killer robots.

I know that House of Holland has them too, but these are slightly cheaper.

I'm, like, barely five feet, so I have always lived for big shoes. I waddle in flats and I feel fat in kitten heels (yeah, sometimes I feel fat and I don’t like it and that is MY problem) so I'm a three-inch-or-bust kinda girl. These are really the key to anything future sex because you probably can't walk in them. And you are kinda like the legless babe in the Cremaster cycle.

So these work:

A big thing with these shoes is that they are dark, big and you can run in them (apocalypse, robots, battlestar, you get it).

These are great FutureSex nails you could fuck with, too, but that is all I’m going to say about it because everybody writes about nail art and it is played.

You can't help this one (and I would be AMAZED if this even made it to publish) but being ambiguously racial helps a ton with the FutureSex look. Because, there will be no race in the future, obviously. I am, and people are always like, "What, uh, ARE YOU?" to which I say, "HUMAN, BITCH," and everybody gets all embarrassed and awkward and I feel like I did a good job for this one day.

Do you give a fuck about my fashion ideas? I talk to Alison Freer from time to time so I think that gives me SOME respect. No? Okay. Follow me on twitter please @BlackOlive15.

PS. I can’t WAIT to hear all the mean things you xoJaners are gonna say in the comments so go CRAY. (I know, the first picture is a Trek reference not a Battlestar one. What do you think I am? A NOOB?) I was picked on in highschool, I can take it.