I don't want to be Iris Apfel's mean and poor doppelgänger. I need help.
When people first meet me, they often ask me if I’m short. “Gosh, aren’t you short?” they say. The answer, of course, is “no, I am far away”. However, at five foot tall (that’s about 30 cubic centilitres in metric), I’m quite short. I’m shorter than: 1. This Moomin When people first meet me, they often ask me if I’m short. “Gosh, aren’t you short?” they say. The answer, of course, is “no, I am far away”. However, at five foot tall (that’s about 30 cubic centilitres in metric), I’m quite short. I’m shorter than:
1. This Moomin
2. The Shard
3. Lily Cole’s left leg
But I’m taller than:
1. This yard of margarita (melon flavour)
2. Frodo Baggins
3. Hector’s Dolphin
Many shops build special pens for tiny women like me, where they keep doll-sized versions of their normal clothes. But the problem with women like me is that we sometimes stray out of the petite pen, and decide to take on something from the regular-sized rail.
Often, we’re wrong.
Often we’ll aim for summer-pintuck-camisole, but end up with broderie-Anglaise-muumuu-hell. And this is why - even though I’m about as far from being a fashionista as is possible without actually being Ray Mears - I’ve put together this guide for miniature women:
1. CROPPED TROUSERS The siren song of the regular-sized cropped trouser can be hard for tiny women to resist. Especially when you hold them up to your bijou frame and - GASP! - they’re the right length! However, because they’re tailored for a longer leg, they’ll fall ever so slightly shy of your ankle, giving the impression that somewhere a maximum-security basket-weaving session is missing a group member.
2. TALL SHOES Understand this: platforms don’t fool anyone. It doesn’t matter if you wear spangly stilettoes beneath a maxi dress, or long flares over those brick-like goth platform trainers. Everyone can tell you’re a secret shortarse from the fact that a) your calves appear to be three metres long, and b) you roll around on the floor clutching your ankle five times a day. Teetering heels are dangerous, and you’d look even shorter in a wheelchair.
3. PLUNGING NECKLINES Have you ever looked down a crevasse and glimpsed two roundish boulders sort of shoved together? No? Weird, because EVERYONE YOU KNOW HAS. Regular-sized V-necks are Y-necks on short people, and anyone taller than you (which is everyone) can see ALL YO BIDNESS. This can occasionally result in a free latte, though.
4. BOYFRIEND CARDIGANS Unless your boyfriend is TOM CRUISE, that shit is going to trail all over the floor.
5. WAISTED TOPS Regular-sized waists sit on petite-sized hips, so if you wear a waisted top you’ll look like either a 1920s flapper, OR someone born without a navel. I am certain that one day Louis Theroux will do a sensitive investigative documentary about people born without navels and it’ll just turn out to be a bunch of shortarse chancers who went to the New Look sale on their lunch hour. Similarly, don’t buy anything with elbow patches unless you’re sufficiently fly to turn “wrist-patches” into a bonafide fashion thing.
Crew-neck t-shirts. Bras. Normal-length cardigans. Jeggings. These regular-sized clothes are your friends. For everything else, shop petite. Also, who are your favourite petite retailers? I’m sure there more options that your average high street stores, but I can’t even FIND Diagon Alley on Google Maps. Help a sister out.