DO THIS DON'T: Wear Fake Glasses

To participate in nearly all other facets of such a superfluous industry and then sit on my high horse when it comes to glasses seems pretty ridiculous, don’t you think?
Publish date:
March 15, 2013
glasses, Fake it til you make it, fake

As someone who is completely helpless without contacts or glasses (-6.5, what, what), it used to be that I simply could not comprehend why anyone would choose to wear glasses.

I started wearing glasses when I was seven and have always struggled quite a bit with them. I lose my glasses. If I don’t lose them, I lose my case and then my glasses get all scratched. My prescription changes what appears to be once every other month, so I’m always having to get new glasses.

I’m convinced that I cannot see as well in glasses as I can in contacts, which might not be true, but it feels true. Oh, and my current pair of glasses are clear and I recently learned that one of my friends immediately does not trust anyone wearing clear glasses, so now I’m worried that people are immediately judging me as mistrustful. Great. Thanks a lot, glasses. You dicks.

As a result of these issues and more, I mostly wear contacts (Every time I go to the optometrist he’s like “WEAR GLASSES MORE OR YOU WILL BE BLIND WHEN YOU’RE OLDER” and I’m like “DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ALSO, THAT IS HORRIFYING,”).

Recently, however, I’ve come to really love the look of glasses, but I still can’t get over the crippling fear that I’ll lose or break them and the likely wrong suspension that they are less effective than contacts.

I’ve always felt sort of lame, re: people who wear fake glasses, so when one of my friends, comedian and animator Ben Kling started wearing glasses that I know do not improve his vision in the least, I sent him an email asking why.

I’ve asked other people why they wear fake glasses (you know, because that’s my business), but I’ve never before gotten anything more than a sheepish shrug and a, “Idno, they look cool?” Ben’s response was more what I was looking for: “Wearing glasses when you don't need glasses isn't any worse than wearing Sperrys when you're not on a boat. These are things that have moved from purely functional to ornamental. Insisting that one can only enjoy un-tinted eyewear if he/she has poor vision isn't far from insisting that one must earn one's ballet flats by learning to pirouette.”

Are fake glasses unnecessary? Yes, absolutely. Do you know what else is unnecessary? The fact that the skirt I’m wearing right now is velvet. The La Mer watch I wear all the time, even though it stopped working nearly two years ago. The black leather backpack I bought, even though I own a Jansport. Gel manicures. The entire fashion industry. To participate in nearly all other facets of such a superfluous industry and then sit on my high horse when it comes to glasses seems pretty ridiculous, don’t you think?

I invested in a pair of prescription-free Warby Parker frames, and I can highly suggest Warby Parker on just about every level that you can suggest a company. Their products are well made and typically cost around $95 (there are some limited edition frames that run for a higher price tag).

Bonus points: They donate a pair of glasses to someone in need every time someone buys a pair. More bonus points: their customer service rules. ALL THE BONUS POINTS: their Try Before You Buy program allows you to try up to 5 pairs before you commit to one.

Tell me: Do you think fake glasses are dumb or are you pro-fake glasses? Let me know in the comments below or @michellelynking.