Baby Goth's Worst Nightmare: PASTELS ARE IN

How am I going to work this trend in to the black hole that is my closet?

Oct 10, 2013 at 6:00pm | Leave a comment

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Pastels are in and I'm all "WTF"

So you guys, pastels are like about to be a thing. Like year round, not just during Easter or whatever, all the time (I know all those links are technically for spring, but you know stores are going to start pushing out these colors ASAP). So the whole wide world is about catch on which means you will have to buy it because when you are running straight from 'da club to work at 6 am, the only store that is going to be open is Forever 21 and very soon everything there will be pastel. 

I KNOW. THE HORROR, RIGHT? 

I wear black. That is like my thing. When Jane posted a photo of me in a floral shirt people lost their shit and were like "Wait, I thought I knew  you Olivia. You are supposed to be wearing black" and I was like, yeah I know. And I never wore that shirt again. What can I say, I am weak-minded.

This does not mean I don't have a nice side. I really do. I can be super soft and sensitive and pastel-y when I want to be. I have recently been pegged as "cold" which is funny because everybody who KNOWS me KNOWS that I am a weepy little gummy bear who really just wants to be loved. So, I'm going to try to work with this whole pastel thing. Will I be wearing a full on pastel suit? Nope, not happening dudes. However, I AM GOING TO MAKE AN EFFORT TO FOLLOW THIS TREND BECAUSE I LIKE A CHALLENGE AND I'M HAVING A CRISIS OF CHARACTER RIGHT NOW. (Do you want to hear about the breakdown I've been having instead? Is that far more interesting than pastels? Probably.) 

Right on, let's do this. 

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VROOOM, BITCH. 

 

We are going to need to start slow if we are going to introduce such a typically offensive color into our wardrobes (I say our because I don't want to feel alone in this world and I like to think that we are in all of this together. We are unfortunately, not.) A pastel crop top makes you look like a 1950s street slut. Those girls were awesome. They would punch their best friend for stealing their favorite lighter. Those are the babes I want to chill with.

Yes, this outfit could also double as a Halloween costume, which is coming up, so technically this is a twofer. You're. Welcome. BONUS: That motorcycle jacket is perfect and pretty affordable. 

 

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Tights by Jonathan Aston. Imported

 

Okay, full disclosure: The rest of this article is just accessories because I can't wear pastel clothes (I just can't right now). But GIRL, this backpack is cute as hell. You can keep all of your...things in it. I love wearing T-shirt dresses and wearing a backpack with a T-shirt dress is the jam. WORD TO THE WISE: Wear full coverage undies because if you start running from the cops or something with the backpack T-shirt dress combo the backpack will bounce up and down and lift up the back of your dress and you will be showing the police your lady-lumps and they don't deserve that if they are chasing you (unless it's like in a kinky way, which is highly feasible.) 

 

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These gloves are suede, which DOES NOT bode well for snowballs. It's still fall and considering global warming, I'm not even sure if I'll ever see a snowball again, and I'm SURE that my theoretical kids will not. So, we good. This is like an update on the spooky detective look, but with a softer side. This coat is cut perfectly too and also, affordable (all hail ZARA.) 

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I'm gonna read you in my pastel socks whatever. 

AKWARD TANGENTIAL SEGUE: In high school there was this math teacher from New Orleans who had pretty much the best style of any math teacher ever. He was a real southern gentleman. One thing he did was wear these black suits (I went to major Gossip Girl High on the Upper East Side, which completely solidified all of my deep-seated feelings of inadequacy) and then would wear these bright red socks. RED SOCKS. IT WAS LOVELY. He would like saunter into class and lift up his slacks, sit on the desk, and start talking math. I could never pay attention because his socks were just THERE like this little surprise that was a perfect little F U to the sartorial constructs of the educational system.  Let's update this, shall we? A pastel blue sock with some futuresexy pants? Yeah, we can handle that. It'll be our own little secret F U to our own stupid black-hole sartorial constructs. 

I'm going to go crawl into my hole now, where there is only darkness and clutch to my new neon green backpack and try to keep it together for an hour or so (THIS IS NOT A CRY FOR HELP). Was this helpful at all? Do you see what I'm trying to do here and more importantly, do you think you can hang?

Also, this entire article was written with help from Miley Cyrus' new album BANGERZ. So, I'm pretty sure everything is going to be alright.